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I recently had an email from a
maid-of-honor. Jasmine wrote that she and the bride had been friends for twenty
years and that she’s “feeling a little challenged with how to condense a heart
filled speech into five minutes.”
I was touched by Jasmine’s love for
her friend and I was impressed that she reached out to me for guidance. Jasmine
is right to be nervous! The thought of standing in front of friends, families
and strangers, and pouring your heart out (or trying to be funny) can be
unnerving. And thanks to social media toasts last longer than centerpieces.
A toast is such a unique form of
public speaking. While everyone thinks they know what a toast is supposed to do
it’s clear that few people know how to give a toast that is remembered for all
the right reasons. Even Pippa Middleton had to endure a wretched toast offered
by her husband’s off-key best man!
If you are the maid (man) of honor or
the best man (woman) then one of your responsibilities is to offer a toast at
the reception.
So, what to do?
Recognize that giving a toast is an honor. The toast is your gift to the couple.
Therefore, the toast is about them – not you! This is not an opportunity to lay
claim to knowing the bride or groom better than anyone else in the room. The
bride asked Jasmine to give a toast because of their twenty year old friendship
– not to tell twenty years worth of stories!
A toast is your gift to the couple. Therefore, it is not a roast.
It is not an opportunity to embarrass the couple. It is not the time to
practice your audition for The Comedy Club. Avoid cursing and off-color humor
(leave that to the bachelor/bachelorette party).
One of the tricky parts to a toast
is recognizing that your audience goes beyond your peers – it is a cross
section of generations. Respect that reality.
Remember – the couple will remember your toast on every anniversary. Do
you want them to smile or groan as they remember your words?
And if you’re jealous of the couple
or if you’re in love with the bride or groom – make sure you go to therapy
before writing/giving your toast!
Prepare! Prepare because you can’t wing it. Your toast must be
written down. No one expects you to have it memorized BUT you want to have the
opening lines and the closing lines memorized so as to deliver them with
spot-on energy.
You need to start working on your
toast as soon as the couple invites you to gift their celebration with that
toast. A few days before the wedding is not enough time. And you don’t want to
start preparing the night before as you stumble into your hotel room after the
rehearsal dinner.
Practice. Practice. Practice with a trusted friend. Play around
with it. A good toast will go through at least three drafts.
Realize that you are toasting the
couple. If you are the maid of honor, you
are toasting the bride and groom and not simply telling everyone how much
you love the bride. If you are the best man, you are toasting the couple and not simply telling everyone what a
great guy the groom is. This is the
trickiest part of a toast – you start off talking about “your” person and end
up toasting them as a couple.
Understand that although you’re toasting the couple, the real audience
is the room – family and friends. What do you want them to know about the
couple? What do you want them to feel?
Follow these steps to craft a toast that
will be remembered for all the right reasons:
1. Introduce yourself in two –
three sentences, establishing your relationship with the couple. Add some
lightness and humor. For instance, Jasmine could reference that she and the
bride have been friends for twenty years, since grammar school. PAUSE. “But, sorry folks, she has paid me well to keep
her secrets!”
2. Share memory(s) of what “your”
person was like prior to meeting their spouse. Again, this is a place for good-natured
humor – not roasting. Nor is this an opportunity to go down the long, winding
road of memory lane. There is no need to tell ALL your memories. Your toast should be NO MORE THAN 3 minutes.
You’re not introducing a Lifetime Achievement Award!
3. Now pivot in your remarks to the
new spouse with words like – “and then he/she met you and everything changed!” Again,
you can inject some humor, for instance commenting on how once your friend, who
was also your roommate, starting dating your own life changed because he/she
started keeping the apartment cleaner.
4. Then share what you observed as
the two of them grew closer together. Share a snapshot anecdote (not a photo
album!) of a time when you realized – “hey, these two belong together – how wonderful.”
5. Now it’s time to bring your
toast to a head. Offer a wish – be specific in your words and avoid clichés.
Rather than saying “I wish you joy,” say something like, “Of all the things I
could wish you tonight, I especially wish you a lifetime of joy like I saw in
your eyes earlier as you said your vows.”
6. Now, you do the actual toast. Turn and look about the room – hold up
your glass – say something like, “Family
and friends please join me in raising your glasses.”
Dramatically turn to the couple and
boldly say, “To x and x – happiness
tonight and forever!”
Raise high your glass!
The room will explode with love and cheer!
Remember:
·
Don’t rush it. Speak slowly and loudly for
everyone to hear.
·
Note cards?
Sure. However, know your talk as well as you know Happy Birthday (a
great suggestion made by Chris Anderson
who founded TED Talks).
·
Be sober.
When giving a toast your job is to gather up all the love in the room
and be the voice of all present. That
is your gift to the couple – and it’s better than any toaster oven!
