Putting On The Ritz

photo: victor sizemore

This past Saturday I officiated a wedding at The Ritz down in Dana Pt.  The photo is not of the wedding, but it is of another wedding I officiated on the Pacific Lawn.  It’s one of my favorite vistas of the Pacific.

I had the pleasure of working for the first time with Christine Bailey of White Orchid Productions.  I hope it’s not my last time as she’s wonderfully organized and her team went about their work with effortless ease and graciousness.

I always arrive an hour before a ceremony’s start as it gives me the chance to settle in to a location and gather my thoughts for a final time.  And so it was on Saturday. 

After checking base with Christine, I took a stroll behind the lawn.  And that’s where I spotted the couple to whom this post is dedicated.

They looked to be well into their ‘70’s.  The man was in a wheelchair and his wife was pushing him.  She pushed the chair up to a fence that bordered the perimeter of bluff.  Once he was close enough, he reached over to the fence and pulled himself up.  The wife put her arm around him as they looked out.  I thought, “how sweet.”

But then he turned to his wife, cupped her face in his hands and they began to kiss––energetically.  I was startled because the scene went against the scenario I’d mentally created for them.  Old couple; probably cranky; affectionless not to mention sexless––hope she doesn’t push him off the bluff!  I know, none of this sounds very kind on my part, but, hey, if you knew my relatives, you’d know why I came up with this oh-so-wrong snapshot!

I was deeply moved by the sight of them.  Their bodies may have been broken, but their tenderness was strong.  And apparently their love was as vibrant as the love that my couple, Christine and Nelson, was celebrating that day.

Before a couple exchanges rings, I have them hold hands and remind them that “these are the hands of your best friend.”  My reminder to them ends with the line, “and these are the hands, even when aged, will still reach to you with the same touch that comforts you today.”

I’ve like the image of that line; but, I’m not sure I’ve ever really understood the profoundness of it until I watched this couple, as the wife stroked her husband’s face (you’ll note that I’m presuming they were married and not having an affair!).

I went on my way and officiated the ceremony that was touching in many different details.  Afterwards, as I walked to the lobby, I passed the cocktail lounge and who should I spot having a martini, but––my couple from the bluff!

I grinned. . .so you’re in your 70’s, use a wheelchair, but you’ve got a wife you still make out with (in public) and can cap it off with a drink at The Ritz.  WOW! Now that’s the good life. . .

May your life be just as good. . .

Changing The Way You Argue

photo: jesse leake

Be forewarned that this is not one of my romantically inspiring postings!

I recently met with a couple who is having a cross-cultural, inter-faith ceremony.  I was impressed by how articulate they were in sharing their dream for the ceremony and celebration.  They readily admitted that they’ve done a lot of talking and have had some hard conversations.

After they left, I flashed on a former bride of mine who I ran into last month.  Anna (yes, name changed!) was strolling her six-month old daughter.  Sadly, she told me that she and Jeff were divorcing after just a couple of years being married.  Things had been rocky from the start as Jeff didn’t like to talk about anything important.  And when they did have that rare talk, he’d end up screaming and storming off. 

Anna thought that having a baby would bring them closer (no comment).  The baby didn’t since a baby doesn’t have that kind of power.  And besides, it wasn’t until the baby was born that Jeff told her he didn’t want children!

   

So, here’s the thing. . .if you and your partner have already established your relationship in the habits of solid conversation, then that will go a long way to help you navigate the demands of your wedding planning.  If, though, you’ve gotten into habits of not talking, face-to-face without distractions, then you really are going to experience stress.

Sometimes, a couple argues about decisions they have to make, other times about things said and done that one of them is offended by.  Over time, the arguing takes on a life of its own and all the couple really does is talk at each other. 

How you communicate directly affects your sanity—individually and as a couple.  If you’re caught up in an endless cycle of arguing, then the only way to break the cycle is to talk about how you talk to each other.

The cycle of arguing will only be broken if you take each other’s hand, step out of the vicious circle, and take a look at why you’re repeating the same conversation over and over and over, no matter what the issue.

SANITY SAVER Questions:

·        Is there a conversation you know you should have and are afraid to have?

·        What are you afraid will happen if you talk about the issue?

·        What are you afraid will happen if you do not talk about the issue?

·        What would you like to see happen differently?

Most people think the other person is to blame for the problem.  Drop the blame game.  As the cliché goes, it takes two to tango.

If you want to see you and your partner talk in a different way to each other, ask for your partner’s help.  At a time when you’re not sniping at each other, tell your partner that you want to discuss how the two of you handle tough topics.

Try something like this:

Whenever we talk about finances, it seems we end up arguing.  I get frustrated when you say ‘no’ to something I suggest and then you end the conversation.  Sure, I’d want you to say ‘yes’ and as much as I hate to admit it, I know that ‘yes’ can’t always be the answer.  It’s when you shut down, end the conversation, and refuse to talk about the issue that I feel disrespected and feel that you’re not treating me like a partner.  I don’t know what’s going on inside that head of yours.  I want to discuss money in a way where we don’t end up mad at each other.  Let’s figure out something new here.

As a couple, you’re going to break old dance steps that don’t work for you when you say out loud—this isn’t working, so let’s do something different

I know that this does not come naturally.  It takes practice.  It demands that you together want to create a more honest way of talking to each other.

Your attitude will determine everything.  Lose the anger.  Put aside the judgment.  Accept that a tough conversation is a messy give-n-take.  That’s what dialogue is all about.

I’m sure you can come up with a bunch of reasons for why this will not work.  But, hey, if the way you’re communicating now is not working for you, why not try something new?

And if you’re afraid of what your partner’s reaction might be, then I urge you to think about why you’re marrying someone you’re afraid of!

Another "Style Me Pretty" Wedding

photo: sarah k. chen

I love working with KerrieUnderhill––fun couples, inviting venues, and each wedding is a unique vision. . .

I’m delighted that the wonderful crew at Style Me Pretty has highlighted the wedding of Beverly and Nelson, a couple whom Kerry introduced me to and whose wedding took place last year down in Dana Point. . .

Enjoy!

From the Bride… During winter break from university in 2007, we separately planned vacations to Hong Kong to each visit our families. We met on Christmas Eve on a night out with friends through one of my college friends and his sister. Fate must have brought us together halfway around the world, as we learned that we attended the same university! We began dating as soon as we both returned to California. The proposal was in mid-air during hot air balloon ride over Temecula wine country in fall of 2010. As we swooped towards the ground, a huge banner that read “Marry me,” and a beautiful diamond ring was presented to me. Of course I accepted, and the rest of the ride was filled with mimosa toasts and cake. . .continue reading. . .

Reassuring Reassurances

photo: todd johnson

The worst that can be said of a person is that 

they “did not pay attention.”

William Meredith

 I’m not sure how I came across the above quote, but it has stayed with me for years.  I often quote Meredith in my communication training seminars since so much of “mis-communication” is about “mis-perception,” about not paying attention.

So the question for this post is simply this: do you and your partner pay attention to each other?  Especially now as you’re planning your wedding?

Like many of the questions I pose on this blog and in my books, this one seems embarrassingly simple because of course you pay attention, isn’t that what it means to love someone?!

I’m going to maintain, though, that it’s easy to stop paying attention without even being aware, not because you’ve stopped loving your partner, but rather, because you’re so busy.  And because you love each other and because you’re busy, it’s easy to think, “we’ll he knows I love him,” or “she knows that I support her.”

The thing is, “knowing” isn’t enough.  We need to be reassured, especially in times of stress.

So, how do you let your partner know that you’re paying attention?  What does your partner need to do in order for you to be reassured that he or she is paying attention?

Remember:  texting conveys info that is brief and to the point; it doesn’t convey feelings.  It’s not a guaranteed reassurance that you’re paying attention.

On the other hand, simply looking at your partner and not being distracted with multi-tasking is a great act of reassurance!

The most reassuring of reassurances are conveyed in mindful little ways.

Wedding For Two

Wedding for Two from Living Cinema on Vimeo.

Back in March, The New York Times in its Sunday edition profiled a new trend in elopements. . .I was delighted that they highlighted a couple whose wedding I officiated last year.

Carey and Brian got married at The Farmhouse in Los Olivos, just north of Santa Barbara.  The setting was wildly romantic and was made even more sensual through the creative magicof Lisa Vorce and her team.

Curtis Heyne of Living Cinema captured the magic of the day and I’m honored to share the highlight video with you.

Being Silly On A Hot Autumn Afternoon

photo: michael segal

A few weeks ago I officiated a wedding at the Terrranea Resort in Rancho Palos Verdes, CA.  It’s an expansive, gracious venue about forty minutes from LAX.  Since I’d arrived early for the wedding, I found a table on the patio outside the lobby where I could check-up on email and messages.

A few chairs away from me sat a couple (early thirties) playing cards.  Coronas were on the table and I spotted wedding rings on each of them.  They were laughing and being silly, looking like a couple of kids having fun on a Fall afternoon.

At one point, the guy’s phone rang.  He glanced at it but then ignored it, took a swig of beer and went back to the cards.  The woman said something, swatted him on the arm and he cracked up. 

What most struck me was just how relaxed they looked––how affectionately “at one” they were in their relaxation.  They were lost in their own world and seemed beyond delighted to be there!

Rose Franken, a popular writer from the mid-last century, once observed that, “Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” 

What about you and your partner––can you be silly with each other?!

Real Love Is Only What You Give

photo: ryan brenizer

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What my marriage taught me is that real love is only what you give. That's all. Love is not "out there," waiting for you. It is in you. In your own heart, in what you are willing to give of it. We are all capable of love, but few of us have the courage to do it properly. You can take a person's love and waste it. But you are the fool. . .Love is joy. Those who love, no matter what indignities, what burdens they carry, are always full of joy.

 Recipes for a Perfect Marriage

I recently came across this quote and presumed it was another sappy sentiment on love and commitment, but I stopped when I read the phrase, “You can take a person’s love and waste it.”  I’ve never really thought about how I could “waste” someone’s love.  I suppose I’ve focused on how a person could waste my time but not how I could waste their love.

What does it mean to waste a person’s love?  Kind of a no-brainer question, but still I’ve been reflecting on it.  The dictionary definition for “waste” is:  to use, consume, or spend thoughtlessly or carelessly; to pass without being put to use.

If you think about it, at the heart of your vows is the promise not to waste each other’s love––not to treat each other thoughtlessly or carelessly and to always put the love your partner offers you to good use.

I like that notion of actually putting each other’s love to good purpose.  While love makes no demands, in order to experience love fully you have to believe that you’re worthy of love.  And to receive the love of another person is to feel energized.  If you feel loved, then you have to feel energetic in wanting to do some good, to make less bruised this crazy world of ours.

Love is always offered in a spirit of hope––hope that despite whatever messiness there is in the beloved’s life, she or he, because of our love, will be able to make sense of it all and create a meaningful life.

To believe in your partner’s love is to believe that their love speaks truth to any of your fears.

If you waste your partner’s love, you’re wasting an opportunity to become more fully you and so it is true for your partner and your love.

I think that in this exhausting world of ours, to love mindfully and generously is a wildly brave thing to do.  So go wild!