Chances Are – You Don't Know What It Is You're Vowing!

When you and I first met, the meeting was over very shortly, it was nothing. Now it is growing into something as we remember it. But still we know very little about it. What it will be when I remember it as I lie down to die, what it makes in me all my days till then–that is the real meeting.

The other is only the beginning of it.

C.S. Lewis

Out Of the Secret Planet

Having officiated upwards of one thousand wedding ceremonies, I’m now convinced that no one really knows what it is they’re vowing when they offer their vows!  How could they?  How could you?

There are many versions of the traditional vows, and here’s the simplest:

I ___ take you___to be my wife/husband.  I promise to be true to you in god times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.  This is my solemn vow.

Lovely.  Moving.  Inspiring.  But what do those words mean?  You don’t really know what they mean until you actually set about living your married life.

Last night I had the honor and delight to officiate the 20^th Anniversary vow renewal for Billie and Chris.  I officiated their wedding twenty years ago this week. . .

They invited thirty close friends to come and celebrate their twenty-year adventure.

What made the celebration especially poignant is that Multiple Sclerosis has now confined Chris to a wheelchair and he lives in a nursing facility that offers him the care Billie is no longer able to provide.

Twenty years ago they vowed to each other the words I wrote above.  On that glorious day they weren’t able to imagine what “good times and bad” or what “sickness and health” would look like and feel like. 

Last night was luminous – to be with them and see that they are living with grace and humor and generosity the life they had vowed to live. 

For those of us who celebrated with them on their wedding day, we had no way of knowing that twenty years later we’d be celebrating with them at a health care facility – we had hoped for Bora Bora!  But we were there and would not have wanted to be anywhere else than with them.

In a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things—all of it, all of the time, every day.  You’re saying, ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.  Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.’

From the movie, Shall We Dance?

Think on it – is there really a better definition of marriage than this?  After one thousand weddings, I’m now prepared to say that THIS is THE definition of marriage.  Billie and Chris have confirmed this for me.

Their being a witness to each other’s life is a gift to each of us who are privileged to be their friend.  They anchor us as they remind us what life is all about. 

The goal of our life should not be to find joy in marriage, but to bring more love and truth into the world.  We marry to assist each other in this task.

Leo Tolstoy

Simply put – our world is a better place because of Billie and Chris.

What we wished for them on their wedding day, at its deepest level, has come to fruition.  They are each other’s partner – true and loving.

As I prepared for their vow renewal, I wondered what now, what more, could I wish for them?  And then I came across these words:

To love someone deeply gives you strength. 

Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

Lao Tzu

And so in the name of all present I wished Billie and Chris  ~

Continued strength and courage, day in and day out,

all the days of their life together.

It is also my wish for you and your partner. . .

12 Often Overlooked Things To Look For When Selecting A Venue

photo: darioendara.nl

I recently met with a couple that has narrowed their venue search down to two hotel resorts.  Since I familiar with both, they asked which I liked better.  I felt a tad cornered!  I’ve officiated at each many times and I think they will have a better than good experience at each.  BUT, I do think one venue is superior to the other – and not for the reason you might think.

Each has spectacular views and each has had weddings that are splashed all over Pinterest and Instagram.  However, my impression is that the folks who work at the venue I prefer are happier than those who work at the other venue. 

Huh?  How do I know this? 

Purely observational.  At the venue I recommended, team members are friendly, attentive and consistently one-step ahead of everyone’s needs.  Team members at the other venue are good at what they do, but I always have the sense that for them this is a “job.”  There is that “something extra” that’s missing from their interactions.

I’ve been thinking about my preference (which I stand by) and have been mulling over what is it a couple should be on the lookout for when selecting a venue.

So, for what it’s worth, here is my list of the little and not so little things you want to pay attention to when scoping out a venue for your celebration:

1.     When you pull-up to the entrance, is the valet prompt and smiling?  Do you have the sense that he/she is focused, friendly and interested in helping you?  The valet sets the tone for what awaits you. 

2.     If the venue does not provide valet, is the entrance inviting and is parking accessible?

3.     What is the venue’s motto?  I know of one hotel whose motto is, “We make the impossible possible.”  And their service reflects that motto!

4.     How does the catering manager present herself/himself?  Does the manager ask questions so as to clarify and refine their sense of you?  Do you feel relaxed in their company?  If not, then bolt!

5.     Ask the catering manager, “What do you most enjoy about working here?”

6.     Can the venue guarantee that on your wedding date there will be no construction or nearby concerts taking place during ceremony start?  Does the venue have a “Plan B” if for any reason a Plan B needs to be orchestrated?

7.     Is there a special room for the bride?  Concierge service for bride? 

8.     Does the catering manager follow-up with you within 24hours?

9.     Visit on the day of the week you’ll have your wedding and consider the overall “vibe” of the place.

10.  Are you and your guests a personality fit with the venue?  Is this a place where you and your guests can be “you” and not put on airs?

11.  What do your vendors say about the venue? 

12.  Verify your impressions with reviews found on Wedding Wire or The Knot.

How Not To Be Miserable On Your Wedding Day!

photography: jasonhalesphotography

However richly inspired by love, marriage is a high wire act

that is usually attempted by two nervous wrecks who just go for it,

reeling with bliss and blind with the hots.

The rest is work, faith and destiny.

Unknown

As flippant as that quote may be, I think it offers keen insight into the wedding experience.

I’ve officiated ceremonies for a wide array of couples and what never ceases to astonish me is how many of these folks were nervous wrecks on their wedding day.  “Wreck” in the sense that before the ceremony they were so distracted with nerves, they couldn’t socialize and truly were “beside” themselves.

A wedding is a surrealistic experience, no matter the size of the guest list or the setting.  There simply isn’t anything like it. While I readily acknowledge that truth, I’m still puzzled by the nervous states of so many of my brides and grooms.  I “get” the butterflies in the stomach nervousness but lately I’ve witnessed more extreme nervousness and in each case it tossed a pawl over the celebration.

Katy (all names changed) was so anxious before the ceremony she asked that a glass of water be placed behind one of the pillars near where she’d be standing – in case she felt faint.  When it came time to walk down the aisle, she couldn’t move.  She stood frozen for what seemed like an eternity but was probably closer to five minutes – okay, in ceremony time that is an eternity!  The musicians played her entrance piece four times before she started to walk.  I have no idea why she was so nervous, especially since she shared with me that she’d been planning her wedding since she was nine years old!

Annie had a DIY wedding and limited guests  to intimate friends and family.  She was rapturous when she described how Edward proposed to her.  When I arrived, though, for the ceremony, she was distracted and barely smiled.  When I checked on her five minutes before the start, I walked in on her snapping at her best friend who also was her hair stylist.  During the ceremony, she looked dazed.  Afterwards, she was snappish with Edward because the sun was setting and they had less time than anticipated for photos.  Why worry about photos when you will never forget in your heart the moment the two of you just shared?

But there are other stories. . .

I recently officiated a wedding where Finn, the groom, told me right before ceremony start how happy he was.  In fact, he couldn’t believe just how happy he was.  He looked at me with sparkling eyes and said, “All the people I love in this world are here with me right now!”  He thanked me for my help, slapped me on the back and said, “Get me married!”

The week before her wedding Cathy told me that she was determined to enjoy every minute of her wedding day.  She reasoned, “If something happens then it’s beyond my control and I’ll just have to let it go.  Besides, I have you and Annette (event planner) to take care of it!”

Another bride, Lucy, told me that she had recently attended a ceremony where anything that could go wrong did go wrong.  I cringed when I heard that but she reassured me that the couple didn’t mind because it was all so perfectly imperfect that it made for a great and funny story.

Why is there such a difference between these brides and grooms?  Well, I’m not sure why!  But I can tell you that as an officiant it is unsettling and sad to witness people feeling miserable on what should be a beyond-the-beyond joyful day.

Having just wrote that I don’t know why there’s a difference, I’ll now say that I think the difference actually goes back to what I’ve said so many times before. . .if you’re focusing on having the “perfect” day, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Perfection, as you understand it in your head, simply doesn’t exist.  However, if you’re focused on creating a “magical” day, then that “magic” will be perfect.

Sure, things can go wrong – and I’ve seen things go wrong – but I’ve never seen anything go so wrong that it ruined the joy of the day UNLESS the couple chose to have what went wrong ruin the joy of their day.

So, what can you do to make sure that your nerves do not ruin the fun and sweetness of your wedding day?  Consider these tips:

·      List what needs to happen for your joy to be diminished.  You and your partner could make separate lists and then compare.  Explore why what you’ve written could diminish your joy.  If your worst fear comes true, strategize what you and your partner can do to protect each other and your celebration. 

·      Embrace the phrase, “We’ll roll with it because it’s not a joy killer.”  You can handle whatever happens.  Really!

·      Is prayer, meditation or yoga something that helps to center and ground you?  If so, then put it that practice on your daily schedule in the weeks leading up to your wedding – and remain faithful to that schedule!

·      What do you and your partner want people to remember about your wedding?  What can you do to ensure that’s what they will remember?

Remember – your wedding day is the most important PUBLIC day of your life, but it really isn’t THE most important.  The day your child is born will be more important.  The day you comfort your partner after they’ve received shattering health news, that will be a more important day. 

Your wedding day gives thanks for the past, celebrates the present and blesses the future.  Therefore misery on your wedding day is a choice.  Why choose misery over joy?