Peter Bregman is one of my favorite
authors on issues of business and communication. I often quote him in the blog associated with
my own communications coaching website (http:thebusinessofconfidence.com).
Last week, Bregman wrote a post forthe Harvard Business Review that was inspired by an experience he had at his
wedding rehearsal. I thought his insight
into why couples get nervous on their wedding day was brilliant.
Rather than trying to paraphrase
him, I’ll let you read his story. . .it’s short and witty and I hope his
insights help you put your own wedding worries into perspective!
The night before our wedding,
Eleanor and I stood awkwardly in the center of a large room, surrounded by our
family and our closest friends. There was no particular reason to be
uncomfortable; this was just a rehearsal. Still, we were in the spotlight and things
weren't going smoothly. Neither the rabbi nor the cantor had arrived and we
didn't know where to stand, what to say, or what to do.
It had taken us 11 years — and a
lot of work — to get to this point. Eleanor is Episcopalian, the daughter of a
deacon, and I am Jewish, the son of a Holocaust survivor. The one thing our
parents agreed about before the wedding was that we shouldn't get married.
A friend of ours, Sue Anne Steffey
Morrow, a Methodist minister, offered to stand in for the Jewish officiants who
were absent. She moved us through the rehearsal, placing people in position,
reading prayers, and lightening the mood with a few well-timed jokes.
When the rehearsal was over and we
were feeling more relaxed, she offered me and Eleanor a piece of advice that
remains one of the best I have ever received.
"Tomorrow hundreds of people
will be watching you on the most important day of your life. Try to remember
this: It's not a performance; it's an experience."
I love that she said "Try to
remember this." On the surface it seems easy to remember but in reality
it's almost impossibly difficult, because much of what we do feels like a
performance. We're graded in school and get performance reviews at work. We win
races, earn titles, receive praise, and sometimes gain fame, all because of our
performance. We're paid for our performance. Even little things — leading a
meeting, having a hallway conversation, sending an email — are followed by the
silent but ever-present question: "How'd that go?"