At the beginning of 2014 I hit on
what I thought was a great idea for this blog.
I reached out to half-a-dozen close friends whose weddings I officiated
and who’ve been married for ten or more years.
I asked each couple to write a guest post – offering advice to those of
you who are now in the throes of prepping for your wedding.
Everyone loved the idea and assured
me that they’d “get back” in a few short weeks.
Well, as time passed, all of my friends confessed that they didn’t know
what to write! “This is hard!” was the general chorus.
Then I hit on the idea of turning
to Meredith and Kristin, daughters of my friends Ray & Stephanie.
I asked Kristin and Meredith to
write a guest post in which they reflect on what they’ve learned about marriage
from their parents.
So here are the. . .
Top 12 Truths Of Marriage Meredith and
Kristin Learned
From Their Parents, Stephanie & Ray
1.
Not
saying anything is often the best route to take.
Silence can
sometimes be more powerful than words. In a situation where your spouse is in a
huff over something, or deeply offended, and just needs to speak their mind,
listening is often the BEST move to make. You don’t always need to add your
opinion, just listen to them.
2.
It’s
important to show your love.
Regardless of the
anniversary, little surprises help to show you care more than a set date. My parents give each other cards on random
occasions. If they find a funny picture of a crab, they might give it to the
other “just because”. Who doesn’t love talking crabs?
3.
Taking
time away from kids, friends, and work, to spend some alone time together never
hurts.
Who doesn’t like
mini-vacations? This is essential
because my sister and I….well we can be quite a handful bickering often, being
loud and obnoxious – but, beside the
point, you need to spend alone time to deepen your own relationship in addition
to the family relationship.
4.
A
marriage has to have respect for one another: each other’s goals, who you are
as a person, and the wonderfulness you see in your partner.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I
have never seen my parents disrespect each other because disrespect often times
causes mistrust and insecurity, and no one wants that. Respect in my family looks like: listening
while the other is speaking, speaking words of encouragement when they are
applying for a job, or redoing a resume, and most often: sitting through
innumerous seasons of the bachelorette/ bachelor without mocking!
5.
Don’t
go to bed angry.
Sometimes you just
need to let things go. You are not going to agree with your partner 100% of the
time, if you did then that would be extremely boring and uneventful! But seriously, it’s only natural to have
differing opinions on a few things. Talk through what is bothering you and then
come to a compromise or leave it be until you both are more rested and less
irrational. These are ways that I have
seen my parents live this cliché.
6.
Always
say I love you. But you have to mean it because if you didn’t mean it, then you
probably shouldn’t be married!
All the time my
parents say, “I love you”, to me and my sister so as to remind us that they do
(even though we already know). It’s been
a tradition in my family to always say it before going to sleep. It has become
part of our routine and it’s important to me.
I have to say it otherwise I rest uneasy. It might sound silly, but it’s
comforting and, in my opinion, it’s the most wonderful phrase you can be told.
7.
Life
does not always go according to plan, but you have to roll with punches.
We’ve moved about 3
times. The last time was due to unforeseen circumstances with relatives.
However, no matter where we were, my parents made it clear that we did not need
anything but each other. There was a point in which we were in between finding
a home and a place to live, so I called us “homeless” because I’m dramatic, but
also because that’s what I thought we were. I was wrong. My dad, my mom, my
sister, and I were all together and that is my definition of “home”.
8.
Work together,
not against each other.
As the saying goes,
“it’s you and me against the world.” If conflicts arise, work together to find
a solution instead of blaming each other for the problem. Working against each
other will not get you anywhere, particularly if you need to get somewhere
quickly! I’ve seen my parents work this
way so many times in my life, especially when it comes to big life decisions.
When we decided to move abruptly when I was going into the 7th grade, they
stood behind their decision, though it was very unpopular with my sister and me.
9.
With
a relationship based on friendship, their first impulse is to support each
other and the decisions they make as a couple as well as supporting the
decisions, of us, their children.
Collaboration in marriage
is essential. Could be the best project of your life!
Working patiently
together, whether in a creative or problem-solving sense, will bring you closer
together and help you produce something that is fulfilling for both of you.
Whether this be in larger projects – like repainting every room of every house
you’ve ever lived in or in smaller projects, like teaching your daughters how
to correctly open and store wine—the positive and encouraging energy my parents
bring to every situation shows how much they care, not only about each other
but about those around them.
10. Remember every day the things you love
about your spouse, especially what initially drew you to him or her.
I love hearing my
parents tell stories about their time in high school, when they met and about
their friends who still surround them to this day. My dad was in theatre, ran for student
government and took German, while my mom was on drill team, waitressed at Marie
Callendar’s, and was in a social action club that helped orphans in
Tijuana. They were friends and continued
to be throughout their early adult life. They both took different roads: my mom dated a
lot of people and my dad entered the seminary to become a priest, but they both
acknowledge that there was an attraction between the two of them from the
beginning – one they then returned to later in life.
11. Tell and share stories!
It’s a great way to
allow the people around you be part of the story of your lives and your
marriage. It also helps your children understand you more and see the journey
you took to find your partner in life.
Hearing my parents’ favorite stories, of their proposal or of when my
sister and I were very young, allow me to recall and retell favorite stories
from my own life and of my family. And
even family folklore and history adds to my sense of belonging and
identity. Like when my dad used to tell
us his ancestors were horse thieves in Germany and my mom used to say her side
of the family was related to Lord Baltimore (as in Baltimore, Maryland)!
12. Actions speak louder than words.
You can always tell
how much my parents care about each other from their interactions. They share a
great sense of humor about life. The way they look at each other and laugh,
sometimes about what someone has said or done in our house, gives me a glimpse
into the feelings they have had, and continue to have for each other for
decades. Their day-to-day treatment of each other, and us kids, is filled with
kindness, understanding and a dose of comedy, which I hope to have in my own
relationships in the future.
