"Is It Okay If We_____?"

cheninboutwell.com

Often times couples will ask me, “is it okay if we ?” And that blank is filled in with a wildly imaginative assortment of ideas. Thumb through contemporary wedding planning books and you’ll notice that tradition is adapting to many modem inclinations. I officiated a wedding where the bride had a “man-of-honor” and the groom had a “best woman.” Another bride, whose father was deceased, had her mother escort her down the aisle. A shy groom, who was a musician, wrote a song for his bride and sang it in place of “saying” his own vows.

These are visuals that broke with tradition and yet added immeasurable warmth and texture to their ceremonies.

I really haven’t seen it all, but I’ve seen enough to know that the whacky sometimes can add to the sweetness of the day-whether the couple plans the wackiness or not.
A few memories that still make me smile ...

• The bride who walked down the aisle to the blaring of The Star Wars theme. Yes, it did have an other-worldly feel to it.
• The bride who did somersaults down the aisle (she was in her 40’s). More than feeling stunned, I was amazed that she could do them while wearing a slim-cut evening dress.
• The bride who planned her wedding, guided by her astrological chart. She determined that the vows had to be said beginning exactly at 5:59 PM. I had a friend stand off to the comer and flag me when it was time.
• And then there was the couple who had their wedding in the backyard of their new home. As a symbol of their pledge to wholeheartedly “take the plunge” they jumped into the pool after I pronounced them married.

“Is it okay if we ___?” Well, yes ... since a wedding celebrates you-in all your glory and uniqueness. The only thing you “have” to do is say your vows—though I have had nervous couples ask me if they actually had to say their vows!

If You Could Read My Mind

  Ray Soemarsono of Apertura

As you know, the wedding planning process is laced with stress. And often times stress bubbles up from unrealistic expectations.

Studies have shown that the longer we’ve known someone, the more we love someone, the more we expect that person to know us so well that we don’t have to tell them what we’re thinking. As whacky as it sounds, we expect them to be able to read our mind!

When meeting with couples for pre-marital coaching, I hear classic phrases such as, “Why do I have to ask him? He should know without me asking.” “She said she didn’t care. How was I supposed to know that this was a big deal to her?”

In the midst of “should” and “why” and “supposed to” it’s vital to remember that your partner is many wonderful things, BUT, he / she is not a mind reader. And even though they can’t read your mind, they still do love you!

There are many people who will play games with you as you plan for your wedding. Please don’t play games with each other.

If you need your partner to know how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking or needing, let them know. Don’t blame; don’t accuse. Just tell them.
And if you’re not sure what it is your partner is saying, ask for clarification. Admit that you don’t understand.

Here are some non-mind-reading phrases:

“I need you to know that____.”
“I’m feeling _____ right now and I need you to_______.”
“I want to help and I’m not sure how. What can I do?”
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean when you say______.”
“Are you sure everything is good because you look _______. Are you?”

Be kind to each other and don’t try to read each other’s mind.

i carry your heart

Picotte Photo

i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Edward Estlin Cummings

Intimate Ceremonies

Victor Sizemore Photography


This month I’ve officiated two weddings where the guest count for each was around twenty people. One was held at the couple’s backyard. They had warned me of potential plane noise from John Wayne airport; however, they hadn’t warned me about their neighbor’s gardener and his jet-propulsion sounding lawn mower!

Later, the couple expanded their celebration to include seventy friends who gathered at a nearby restaurant. The couple hired a live band that kept them partying into the early hours.

The other ceremony took place at Greystone Manor, a historic landmark in Beverly Hills dating back to the 1920’s. The couple opted to use an i-pod for music and, of course, for “some reason” it didn’t work as well as expected.

Later, tucked away in a fragrant garden corner, the couple sat with their families at a shabby-chic table for a wedding feast worthy of its English Gothic setting.

There really is no one way to celebrate a wedding. Each couple, though, created its own sweet, warm, fun, and funny magic because. . .

A. Each couple had a clear sense of what they wanted their day to look like—and feel like.
B. Each groom fully participated; he didn’t just “show up.”
C. Each couple gave long, hard thought to whom they wanted at their ceremony. Those people, in ways known and unknown to them, helped each couple come to this moment in time.

And, finally, everyone present created magic because their love and joy was louder than any lawn mower or a whispering i-pod!

Being A Groom

Picotte Photography

I recently met with a couple and the groom really impressed me. . .he knew how long they’ve been together (!) and he had clear thoughts about what he wanted the ceremony to be about and he even knew the color of the groomsmen’s bowties!

I always remind a couple that a wedding is their celebration of their life together and that it is not the bride’s coronation. I feel disappointed when a groom shrugs his shoulders, smiles, and says, “whatever she wants is fine with me.” No! That’s not what this is about. Granted, a groom doesn’t have to go to the florist, but. . .

Michael, the groom in this photo, worked with his bride, Melody, in creating their wedding day. And as corny as it sounds, the satisfaction and joy and so much more of all that “work” is what this photo captures.

You can hear me talk more about grooms and their weddings by going to Get Married at:

http://getmarried.com

What Love Is All About

Another thought from THE HAPPINESS PROJECT. . .

“I’ve never forgotten something I read in college, by Pierre Reverdy: ‘There is no love; there are only proofs of love.’ Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will see only in my actions.”

Hmm. . . Good words to keep in mind as you think you’re going to lose your mind from all the stress of planning!

Welcoming Love

 www.karikochar.com

MY LOVE
~ Linda Lee Elrod ~
When I met you, I had no idea
how much my life
was about to be changed...
but then, how could I have known?

A love like ours happens
once in a lifetime.
You were a miracle to me,
the one who was everything
I had ever dreamed of,
the one I thought existed
only in my imagination.

And when you came into my life,
I realized that what I
had always thought
was happiness
couldn't compare to the joy
loving you brought me.

You are a part of everything
I think and do and feel,
and with you by my side,
I believe that anything is possible.
(this day) gives me a chance
to thank you for the miracle of you...
you are, and always will be,
the love of my life.

This poem was read at a wedding I officiated.  The bride was fifty years old.  Long ago she had resigned herself to the "fact" that she would never marry.  And then, along came the man who is now her husband.  They reminded me that all things are possible for those who keep their hearts open to love. . .