2012 A New Year and New Thanksgivings

For my first entry of 2012, I want to tell you one of my very favorite of favorite wedding stories. . .

Enjoy!

the truest of true stories. . .

     Thanksgiving.  I’m sitting at a long table, filled with deep-down good people.  Anthony & Melissa have gathered us into their home.  Across from me is a beautiful Indian woman.  She has a disarming smile and a hearty laugh.  She turns those clichés into something real.

     I’m talking about this book, which then is half-written.  The woman interrupts me.  And with a directness not often seen between strangers, she asks: “what do you think is needed to make a marriage a success?”

     Funny, this year I’ve officiated over 70 weddings.  I spent the previous 6 weeks working on this book.  And when she asks me her question, I fumble.

How do I answer her question, which I sense comes from a place of disappointment?

     So, I tell her: “listening.”  It’s both a true and safe answer.  Besides, I do believe this is the key communication skill.  Yet, somehow, when I give her this answer, it doesn’t seem adequate.

     I glance at Anthony & Melissa.  I flash on other couples who nourish me,  Stacy & Eddie, Sarah & Buddy, Hanna & Bruce, Lyn & Brian, Clarice & John, Gina & Josh, “The Does”, Stephanie & Ray. And I wonder—what makes each of their marriages a “success?”

     Hmm. . .they constantly support each other.  Ah, but that, too, seems like a worn-out answer.

     And then I flash on a moment Anthony & Melissa shared earlier.  They had just finished setting-up this Tuscany-like family style table.  I came into the garden and glimpsed them in a warm, hugging embrace. 

     Exhausted from the preparations, they simply fell into each other’s arms—and smiled.  It was not so much a sexual embrace as it was intimately confirming that: we did it.

     A seemingly eccentric woman from my college days once  told me that real love is not those champagne moments filled with fireworks.  Rather, real love is a reassuring whisper in the dark of night. 

     That is what I witnessed in their garden—the intimacy of a reassuring whisper.

This is our feast.  In our home.  Built on all the moments I wanted to kill you.  Built on all your surprises that both delighted me and puzzled me.  This night is our gift to these wonderful and wacky people, who, for better or for worse, are a part of our home.

     As I looked down the table, with all its mismatched chairs and mismatched guests, I thought: “if we can’t give thanks for this moment, what can we give thanks for?”

     And then, the woman again asked me, is that all that is needed for a successful marriage—listening to the other?

     I look around the garden and think—no, listening is not enough.  Rather, here, this table, this is what makes for a “successful marriage.”

     Two people dedicated and pledged to creating a life—a life-giving life—that rises above the rituals of their individual pasts.  A dedication that lets this day swirl with good, hearty questions: “do you have enough. . .do you need more. . .there’s plenty more. . .eat up. . .help yourself. . .don’t be shy. . .are you sure you’ve had enough. . .?” 

     Questions asked while serving and laughing.

     What makes for a successful marriage?  In that moment, as I flash on my family of couples, I’m reminded that it is the generosity with which two people ask these questions of each other.  And in making their home in each other, there find comfort and safety in the reassuring hospitality of the other.

     Your wedding is your Thanksgiving meal and its “perfection” comes not merely from all going “smoothly.” 

     No, it comes from all leaving feeling nourished.  Feeling full from the reminder that life is good and worthy of our faith and hope and all that is good and true within us.

     You take each other as husband & wife and in that taking you give to family and friends a “loud,” reassuring whisper that all is possible, as you urge them on--  eat, have more, don’t be shy. . .

Arguing With The Mind vs. The Heart Part 2

Ray Soemarsono of Apertura

Studies show that the most successful relationships are the ones where the couple are similar enough that they comfortingly compliment each other and different enough that they invitingly challenge each other.

Now this is certainly true with this couple.  He is a person by dint of personality and profession (engineer) who values logic.  She is a person by dint of personality and profession (sales) who values feelings.  He spots specifics and she stares at the panorama.

He thinks logic is going to win the day because that is how logic is supposed to work.  However, as soon as she begins to feel that he’s clobbering her with facts, she shuts down.  “What’s the use?  He’s not interested in what I have to say” is her mantra.  And he becomes frustrated when he sees her give up.  He wants her to fight for her ideas.  He’s a competitor and that’s what competitors do!

They’ve created dance steps, patterns, rituals for arguing and those steps are now like the air they breathe.  They presume, “well, that’s just the way we are.”  Hmm. . .not exactly.

The quality of a relationship is based on the quality of the communication in the relationship.  If you are unhappy in a relationship then one of the chief reasons is because of the communication that is taking place.

I asked the groom, “when you’re in an argument, do you notice that she’s becoming more passive?”  “Yes.”  “Then, why do you persist with the logic, the reasons?”  “I want her to see it my way.”  “Does she ever come out of her passive state and say, ‘you’re right—I wasn’t thinking straight.’”  “No.”  “Never?  Then why do you persist?”

And I asked the bride, “in an argument, what’s your goal?”  “To get what I want.”  “And how do you do that?”  “I plead and then when I get frustrated, I just ask, ‘what do I have to do to get X?”  “And do you ask in a pleasant tone of voice or do you have attitude?” 

Smiles all around.

“Do you pout; cross your arms, and make it sound like a demand if not an ultimatum?”

She actually looked shocked that I knew!

80% of what we respond to in a conversation is not what is said, but how it is said.  She tuned him out when he started to lecture.  He tuned her out when she started to pout.

No one likes a know-it-all and no one likes a whiner.

So, what to do?  It is not possible to magically change personality.  Nor is there any reason to do so.

Choices can be made in how to communicate.

She needs to understand that “because it feels good” is not a reason that is going to advance her cause.  How do you respond to a “reason” like that?

He needs to understand that people don’t always make decisions based on what is most logical.  He needs to help her explore her feelings so as to help her understand what she is thinking.  And, she needs to help him explore his thoughts so as to help him understand what he is feeling.

Arguing With The Mind vs. The Heart

http://aperturaphoto.com/blog

 Last week a couple came to me for pre-marital counseling.

The bride was uneasy—everything was fine, so what are they doing here with me?  I explained that my approach is from a communications angle. I don’t have a structured format.  Rather, I invite a couple to reflect on their styles of communicating—individually and together.  What works?  What doesn’t?

I ask a couple to give me some real life moments and we can use those to explore ways to improve their communication, and so improve the quality of their life—especially now, during this time when there is an abundance of stress.

The bride was still uneasy.  Everything’s good—though at times, she said, she “might” be a bit too passive in their arguments—especially when he becomes his usual pigheaded self!  Hmm. . .

The groom readily admitted that he’s competitive and enjoys arguing even when he knows he’s wrong.  He admitted this is true even with his fiancée.

I asked the bride if she enjoyed arguing with him when he was in the “zone.”  She didn’t—she hated it.  But, she said it didn’t matter as she just shuts down and lets him have his way.

The groom jumped in, saying that he hated it when she shut down.

I asked if he heard why she shuts down.  Yes, but. . .

“Then why do you do it?” the bride demanded.  “I don’t know,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t want to argue.  All I want is to get what I want,” the bride matter-of-factly explained. 

“There, that’s the kind of attitude I don’t like.  I feel like she’s disrespecting me,” said the groom.  “She doesn’t take what I say seriously.  I explain things logically to her.  I give her the reasons why we need to do something a certain way and she ignores everything I say.”

“Is that true?” I asked.  “Do you ignore?  Do you intend to disrespect him?”

“I know what he’s going to say—I just don’t want to hear it.  I don’t want to know the reasons why I can’t have something when I feel I should have it.  The problem is he thinks with his head and I think with my heart.  He doesn’t respect me when he doesn’t listen to why I want something.”

Exasperated, the groom, tossed out, “she doesn’t have any reasons for anything.  All she has are just feelings.”

Let me freeze frame here—does any of this sound familiar?  I want to point out that the couple were very polite in the way they spoke to each other—this was not a shouting match.  However, they clearly felt frustrated.

So, let me try to distill an hour and a half conversation into some manageable thoughts. 


to be continued. . .

Vows and Nerves

picottephoto.com

When creating a wedding ceremony one of the main issues I discuss with a couple is the vows. Ironically, most couples are most nervous about this element. Couples often tell me that they don’t like standing in front of people who are looking at them.

Hmm ... well, that’s going to be a hard one to get around at a wedding with any guests.

Many couples op to repeat their vows after me. I say the vows in a low voice, so as not to be heard by the guests, and then hope that the couple will say them in a louder voice-which isn’t always the case.

Some couples want to write their own vows. Many couples, though, are afraid to write their vows for fear that they’ll sound “cheesy.” I can honestly say that I’ve never heard vows that I thought were “cheesy.” Granted, some were more eloquently worded than others, yet all were poignant.

How great it is that you have someone in your life who compels you to search deep in your heart for words that express the passion of your commitment.

Be nervous about hundreds of eyes staring at you—don’t be nervous about saying something cheesy ... the committed heart is not able to offer cheesy sentiments.

"Is It Okay If We_____?"

cheninboutwell.com

Often times couples will ask me, “is it okay if we ?” And that blank is filled in with a wildly imaginative assortment of ideas. Thumb through contemporary wedding planning books and you’ll notice that tradition is adapting to many modem inclinations. I officiated a wedding where the bride had a “man-of-honor” and the groom had a “best woman.” Another bride, whose father was deceased, had her mother escort her down the aisle. A shy groom, who was a musician, wrote a song for his bride and sang it in place of “saying” his own vows.

These are visuals that broke with tradition and yet added immeasurable warmth and texture to their ceremonies.

I really haven’t seen it all, but I’ve seen enough to know that the whacky sometimes can add to the sweetness of the day-whether the couple plans the wackiness or not.
A few memories that still make me smile ...

• The bride who walked down the aisle to the blaring of The Star Wars theme. Yes, it did have an other-worldly feel to it.
• The bride who did somersaults down the aisle (she was in her 40’s). More than feeling stunned, I was amazed that she could do them while wearing a slim-cut evening dress.
• The bride who planned her wedding, guided by her astrological chart. She determined that the vows had to be said beginning exactly at 5:59 PM. I had a friend stand off to the comer and flag me when it was time.
• And then there was the couple who had their wedding in the backyard of their new home. As a symbol of their pledge to wholeheartedly “take the plunge” they jumped into the pool after I pronounced them married.

“Is it okay if we ___?” Well, yes ... since a wedding celebrates you-in all your glory and uniqueness. The only thing you “have” to do is say your vows—though I have had nervous couples ask me if they actually had to say their vows!

If You Could Read My Mind

  Ray Soemarsono of Apertura

As you know, the wedding planning process is laced with stress. And often times stress bubbles up from unrealistic expectations.

Studies have shown that the longer we’ve known someone, the more we love someone, the more we expect that person to know us so well that we don’t have to tell them what we’re thinking. As whacky as it sounds, we expect them to be able to read our mind!

When meeting with couples for pre-marital coaching, I hear classic phrases such as, “Why do I have to ask him? He should know without me asking.” “She said she didn’t care. How was I supposed to know that this was a big deal to her?”

In the midst of “should” and “why” and “supposed to” it’s vital to remember that your partner is many wonderful things, BUT, he / she is not a mind reader. And even though they can’t read your mind, they still do love you!

There are many people who will play games with you as you plan for your wedding. Please don’t play games with each other.

If you need your partner to know how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking or needing, let them know. Don’t blame; don’t accuse. Just tell them.
And if you’re not sure what it is your partner is saying, ask for clarification. Admit that you don’t understand.

Here are some non-mind-reading phrases:

“I need you to know that____.”
“I’m feeling _____ right now and I need you to_______.”
“I want to help and I’m not sure how. What can I do?”
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean when you say______.”
“Are you sure everything is good because you look _______. Are you?”

Be kind to each other and don’t try to read each other’s mind.

i carry your heart

Picotte Photo

i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Edward Estlin Cummings