The "I" Who Says "I Do!"

photo: vcsphoto.com

However richly inspired by love, marriage is a high wire act

that is usually attempted by two nervous wrecks

who just go for it, reeling with bliss and blind with the hots.

The rest is work, faith, and destiny.

                                    Lear’s Magazine, February, 1991

Marriage is “work” in the best sense of that word.  And, yes, creating a life with another is an act of faith, BUT, it’s not mere destiny.  You create your own destiny as you journey along to your destination.  Here’s why. . .

true story

The summer after ordination, I was assigned to a parish on Long Island, New York.  A few days after arriving, the parish secretary, Marie, took me aside.  Distraught, she told me that her daughter, Clarice, had filed for divorce—just six months after the wedding.  She asked if I would meet with her and talk some sense into her.

I doubted that Clarice wanted some stranger to “reason” with her; yet, out of respect for Marie, I agreed.  And out of respect for her mother, Clarice agreed to meet with me.

As soon as I closed my office door, I reassured her that I had no intention of trying to talk her out of her decision; but, since we both agreed to meet, we might as well spend fifteen minutes behind closed doors.  I admitted that it was none of my business, but just out of curiosity, I wondered what had happened in the span of six months to want her to dissolve her marriage.

Embarrassed, Clarice told me that she and her husband Frank had dated since high school.  They continued on through college.  Everyone just presumed that some day they would marry and once out of college, the pressure was on.  She then told me something that I’ve never forgotten:  “We didn’t want to disappoint our families and so we decided to get married and we just got caught-up in it all.”

 

Then one day, some six months later, they realized that while they still loved each other, they had no desire to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

I don’t tell this story to either shock or depress you.  Rather, I tell it because it reminds me that during wedding planning it’s so easy for a couple to just get “swept up” in it all. 

As outrageous as it seems, in planning your wedding it’s easy to lose a sense of who you are, of who your partner is, and of who you are together.

To use a favorite word of mine, life can get very whack-a-doo!

SANITY SAVER questions:

·      Do you know what you need and want from yourself, your partner, and your marriage?

·      Why are you marrying this person?  Of all the people you’ve known and dated, why him – why her?

Can you answer these two questions?

Can your partner?

Do you know each other’s answers?

How Tiger Woods' Ex-Coach Challenged Me To Think About Weddings!

photo: ferjuaristi.com

Note:  even though I begin this post talking about golf – it really is a wedding post!

When I’m not officiating weddings, I’m a corporate communications coach and trainer (thebusinessofconfidence.com).  I offer workshops on what’s commonly referred to as “soft skills.”  However, as you know there’s very little “soft” about customer service, team building as well as managing all those difficult conversations!

Last year I began coaching professionals in the world of golf  – long story!  Up until last year, my experience on the greens was limited to miniature golf.  While it will be a long time before I don’t feel self-conscious playing, I have learned a great deal about the sport and the giants who’ve made it the avidly popular sport that it is today.

One of those legends is Sean Foley, who is one of Tiger Woods’ former coaches.  Recently, I read an article where he was asked this question: “You’ve always said that golf would never define you.  Do you still feel the same after taking on Tiger?”

Here’s his answer:

“Golf instruction is what I do for a living, but it doesn’t define who I am.  I’m not here to revolutionize golf instruction.  I’m here to touch the individual lives of the people that I work with.  I was raised on the idea that when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night the goal is to leave the world in a better place than you found it.”

Foley is much respected in the world of golf and it is remarkable that he can say that golf doesn’t define him.  His answer challenged me to think about what defines me.  In addition, it got me thinking about weddings (which I’m more times than not thinking about) and what a wedding actually celebrates.

Does a wedding celebrate what defines YOU?  Does a wedding celebrate what defines YOU as a COUPLE?

In order to say “I Do” to another person, don’t you need to be able to say what defines you?  And can you really venture forth into the unknown future together without knowing what defines you as a couple?

Sean Foley has a very clear sense of what his defining goal is when he wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night.  Do you, individually and as a couple, have just as a clear a sense?

I know – kinda an odd questions for a wedding blog BUT I think knowing who you are as a couple, knowing who you want to become, can only help you be and become the people you want to be and become!

Video Of the Week!

In its most basic wording, these are the “traditional vows” ~

I ______ take you _____ to be my wife/husband.

I promise to be true to you

In good times and in bad,

In sickness and in health.

I will love you and honor you,

All the days of my life.

If you want some glimpse into what these words actually mean, then check out this 2-mnute video!

Enjoy!

 

Young Hearts from ACAPULCO on Vimeo.

You're Having A Stripper?!

photo: chelsea patricia

true story

It was six weeks before their wedding and Chad and Lisa (names changed) still had not hired an officiant. Towards the end of our meeting, the conversation turned to Chad’s upcoming Vegas bachelor party weekend.

After Lisa humorously warned him that nothing better happen, he reassured her with these immortal words: “Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen even if she goes into the bedroom with me.” She? Bedroom? I’m stunned. Lisa slapped him in the arm.

Seems Chad’s boys told him that they’re going to get him a stripper. He didn’t want a stripper, but how could he tell them that? He didn’t want to ruin their fun and besides, it’s tradition!

That Lisa found out about Chad’s plans while at a meeting to discuss the ceremony, speaks volumes about the quality of their conversations. That he wasn’t able to tell his buddies what he did and did not want, speaks volumes about his ability to assert himself. 

Without being able to express what it is you’re thinking, feeling, wanting, needing, it’s going to be hard to offer an “I Do” that is authentic, confident, and that expresses your willingness to DO all that is implied in that “I Do.”

If you can’t be honest with your partner before your wedding day, there’s no reason to believe that you’ll be able to be honest the day after your wedding day.

Are there things you haven’t told your partner? Topics you’ve been reluctant to bring up? What are you afraid of?  Now’s the time to talk.

The following are questions I think every couple needs to talk about before they exchange their vows. If you’ve not already considered any of these questions, then I suggest you make a date, grab some wine (or ice cream) and surprise, challenge and encourage each other.

ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

·      Who are your role models for marriage? Why are they models? How realistic a model are they?

·      What are your expectations of each other? Do your expectations make each of you the best you are capable of being?

·      What is your biggest fear for your life together?

·      What are three specific instances where you felt closest to your partner?

ABOUT YOUR WEDDING

·      When people speak of your wedding, what three words do you want them to say? What three words do you not want them to say?

·      Is your wedding day a beginning or a touch point in your life together?

·      What was the most moving wedding you’ve attended?

·      What do you want to be the most joyful moment of your wedding day?

Remember: you protect and keep each other safe when you talk with each other. Really talk—openly, trustingly, from the silly to the serious.

You can’t plan your wedding without talking!

Growing Old Together - In Under 5 Minutes!

Here's a video that is fascinating, odd and poignant all at the same time! 

 It will make you look at your partner in a new way!

 

"Pieces Of My Mother" – A Tribute To Melissa Cistaro

Because this blog is dedicated to my work as an officiant, I typically limit entries to wedding related items. However, this posting is different – it has nothing to do with weddings, but, hey, please keep reading!

My friend, Melissa Cistaro, has her first book published today – a memoir – “Pieces Of My Mother”

This is my tribute to Melissa – Enjoy!

 

On Tuesday, May 5^th, “PiecesOf My Mother,” a memoir by Melissa Cistaro, arrives at bookstores.  Melissa is a friend and so, yes, in a way, this is a shameless plug!  However, I’m writing not just to plug her book.  I’m writing about Melissa because she inspires me and I enjoy nothing better than writing about people who inspire me.

As a child I became a voracious reader – from the Hardy Boys to “David Copperfield.” Early on I became fascinated with writers.  What kind of person could twist words with the slight-of-hand of a magician and so conjure worlds from the almost familiar to the outright exotic?  Although I was a good Catholic boy, I considered nothing more sacred than a book.  I loved the sheer physicality of a book – open the covers and another world tumbles out. 

I never aspired to be a writer, but I very much wanted to be friends with writers.  I wanted to sit in the company of my heroes and “saints.”  When I got to Fordham University I landed my own radio show, “Bluestockings”, where each Thursday night I’d interview poets, novelists and literary folk.  I was mentored by Marguerite Young who at that time had written the longest (1198 pages) novel in English, “Miss McIntosh, My Darling.”  She introduced me to Anais Nin, legendary feminist and diarist.  I believed they lived life differently from me and that somehow they had the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the hearts to feel in ways I didn’t.  

And now, all these years later, here’s Melissa – prettier than Marguerite and far less hedonistic than Anais – a friend with whom I’ve shared many a pot of tea.  She’s so wonderfully “not different” and yet from the ordinary dimensions of her daily life she’s written a memoir of her mother who abandoned her and her brothers and father.  She’s told the story of her anything but ordinary childhood.  This week her book physically appears on bookshelves after more than a decade of writing and rewriting, after having been rejected two score over.  And I am in awe.

I was seduced unabashedly by the romanticism of Marguerite and Anais.  But I know Melissa too well to shroud her in any romanticism.  In the harsh glare of everyday life, I admire her for raising a family, loving her husband and staying true to her children.  I celebrate her for being faithful in giving meaning to what was unfathomable.  I cheer her for slaying dragons and calling a truce with demons, as she offered peace to her childhood memories. 

To find the extraordinary in the ordinary – that is what goes into making us human.  And writers show us how.

Thank you, Melissa!

I'm On "Style Me Pretty" !!

photo: caroline tran

I officiated Robyn + Eddie's wedding last year – 
and now you can see all the details at this

Style Me Pretty link :  SMP

Enjoy!

~JP