true story
I recently reunited with a couple
whose wedding I officiated fifteen years ago. They look older but their spirits
are as I remember them. Open, inquisitive, yet clearly defined in their ongoing
aspirations. “Jack Daniels” joined us at the table and story begat story. It
was a magical night.
As I was leaving, Frank suddenly
asked me, “Do you know why Renee and I
are still in love?” Various answers came to mind, but I just said, “No, why are you still in love?” With
pride he replied, “We’re kind to each
other.”
Frank explained how he and Renee
consciously decided that they didn’t ever want to lose sight of being each
other’s partner and best friend—not punching bag or dumping ground for the
day’s irritations. So simple, yet so challenging!
No matter how strong and healthy
your relationship, stress cracks will appear when the bliss of engagement turns
into the craziness of actual planning. Planning your wedding will test your
kindness to each other in surprising ways.
While there are many ways in which
to be kind to your partner, how you express what you’re feeling is one of the
most important. Letting your partner know how you feel in a way that doesn’t
turn him or her into that punching bag is one of the kindest things you can
do—for your partner and each other.
Here are four things you need to
avoid doing.
1.
Has anyone ever been annoyed with you and sarcastically asked, “What the
#@%^ is wrong with you?” And when they asked what’s wrong with you, did you
smile, sit down and tell them what’s wrong with you? Didn’t think so!
Loudly attacking someone with
phrases such as, “What’s wrong with you?” “Leave me alone—can’t you see I’m
busy?” or “You’re driving me nuts!” will definitely drive the other person
away. The only problem is they’ll be so annoyed with you that they won’t want
to talk to you later on or help you. And really, why should they?
AVOID: outbursts. They just signal that you’re in a bad mood
without offering any insight into why. There’s never a good time to be nasty!
2.
Do you end heated “discussions” with, “That’s just how I am”? Nice.
Cute. Useless! No one is ever “just” something. We always feel a certain way
for a reason. If you don’t tell the other person why you’re feeling what you’re
feeling, they’ll storm off thinking that you’re a jerk (or some stronger word).
AVOID: dramatic declarations. They provide no clue as to why you are
the way you “just” are and most likely your partner is going to feel “just” fed
up with you stonewalling him or her.
3. What about when you say, “I’m
kinda mad at you right now.” How mad is “kinda”? Is your “kinda” the same as
your partner’s “kinda”? Understated expressions can only confuse your partner.
The clearer you are in describing how you feel, the better chance your partner
has of understanding you and being able to help you.
AVOID: vague words such as: almost,
better, big, cheap easy, expensive, in a minute, probably, soon. You know
what you mean by these words, but your partner may not. When you say, “I’ll be
ready in a minute,” how many minutes is that “minute”! You decrease your
chances for being misunderstood, the more specific you are.
4. And the single most important
word to avoid is: YOU: You never. You
always. You disappoint me. You make me sick.
When you attack the other person
with a barrage of “you’s” all they can do is one of two things—lash out or
become defensive.
At my first meeting with a couple I
can easily predict how they’ll handle planning stress. If they repeatedly use
the phrase, “we’re feeling” then I
know they’re in this together. But sometimes, couples speak in a sarcastic
tone, tossing out “you this and you that”
at a rapid pace. Clearly, the stress is going to bring them to their knees long
before their wedding day.
AVOID: “you.” That one little word has the power to press your
partner’s buttons. You know how you react when someone attacks you with “you,”
so why attack your partner with “you” when you know what you’re doing!
We’re all guilty of what I’ve just
described. Why? Because old habits die hard. Because we’re lazy. Because we
think we don’t or shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. BUT, you do have to
explain yourself; otherwise, you’ll drive your partner nuts, who, in turn, will
drive you nuts!
Sanity Saver Questions:
•
In the past week, how many times have you accused your partner of not “caring”?
•
In the past week how many times have you complained to someone about your
partner not understanding you?
•
In the past week how many times have you understated your feelings or bombarded
your partner with “you” accusations?
•
What would you like to see happen differently?
Remember: You protect and keep each other sane when you are aware of
and acknowledge each other’s feelings, try to understand and not judge those
feelings, and go on to take responsibility for owning and expressing your
feelings.
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