photo: brittrenephoto.com
true story
Two weeks before her wedding, Kelly
(names changed) called me—upset. The
night before, she and her fiancé, Jeff, had a fight. At the end of the
argument, he snapped: “You think you know everything about me, but you don’t.”
I now think she’s calling to tell
me that she’s canceling the wedding. Instead, she asks: “Do you think this is a red flag?”
Red flag? No, this is a RED
CURTAIN!
I asked if she was curious as to
what he’d meant when he said she didn’t know “everything” about him. Kelly told
me that Jeff often vented and yelled, but that he didn’t mean anything by it. I
was still curious since if he doesn’t mean anything by it, why does he yell?
She had no answer.
A few days later, Kelly called to
tell me that all was fine and back to “normal.” No, Jeff hadn’t apologized and,
no, she still hadn’t asked him what he meant by that cryptic, snarling
statement. She decided to let well enough alone—to let the pattern of their
arguing remain in place despite the stress it continually caused her.
Kelly had talked herself into
believing that there was nothing wrong with this dynamic. “It’s just how he
is,” was her mantra. Besides, she was worried that if she confronted him, she’d
hurt his feelings. She didn’t want to antagonize the situation by asking him to
explain himself, as she “knew” he loved her.
Fear of confrontation. Fear of
conflict. These are fears shared by many of us and Kelly was no different. But
it’s essential to understand that conflict is a natural part of every
relationship. Odd as it may sound, you can’t have a healthy relationship
without conflict.
Over time, you and your partner
have developed ways to deal with uncomfortable situations, conversations, and
conflict. I call these “dance steps” and you’ve developed them without much
conscious thought. The question is: do
these dance steps let you and your partner get what you need in a way that’s
honest and healthy?
As you plan for your wedding,
arguments most likely will arise – between you and your fiancé, between you and
relatives or friends. Part of staying
sane is knowing how to deal with those sticky situations. In upcoming posts, I’ll offer tips and tricks
for navigating difficult moments. For
now, though, here are some questions to get you thinking about you and your
relationship to “conflict.”
Sanity Saver Questions:
• What do you enjoy about conflict? What do
you not enjoy?
• Do you know what your partner enjoys or
doesn’t enjoy about conflict?
• What would you like to see more of when
you and your partner have a difficult conversation? What would you like to see
less of?
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