While the postings I usually write
are primarily for the couple planning their wedding, this post is different. I
want to speak with the parents – the
divorced parents – of a bride or groom.
I want to share with you something of the unique perspective I’ve been
given in my role as officiant.
I love weddings for many reasons,
chief among them being that I love stories.
As an officiant I hear a lot of stories.
Stories that make me laugh, that inspire me or simply gobsmack me with
their whack-a-do-ness! And then there
are the heart-aching stories, many of which involve parents who happen to be
divorced.
Not all “my parents are divorced”
stories are tragic. In fact, I’ve met divorced
parents who have somehow managed to remain friends – and who genuinely like the
new spouses. Hard to believe, I know,
yet true.
But then there are the other
stories – stories of unhealed hurt and bitterness that propel people into
saying and doing things that are astounding.
Bradley’s (all names changed) Catholic parents divorced when he was seven
years old (their marriage was not annulled).
His mother, who attends daily Mass, told him that if he invited his
father’s wife (of ten years) she would not be able to attend the wedding.
Janet’s mother told her that if she
asked her father to escort her down the aisle, she wouldn’t attend the wedding
because the sight of him smiling would make her sick.
Alice asked her mom and step-dad (who
had raised her) to walk her down the aisle.
But her father was paying for the reception and he wanted to walk her
down the aisle even though he had disappeared from her life when she was ten and
only re-emerged three years ago. And,
yes, he threatened to not pay for the 4-star reception if her mom and step-dad
walked her down the aisle.
Just last week I met with Caryl, a
bride whose parents divorced when she was ten years old. Her father remarried a year later. Caryl developed a warm relationship with her
step-mom. Eventually, her father divorced
her step-mom, but Caryl remained friends with her.
Caryl’s mother is now engaged and
her father is again engaged – to a woman eight years older than Caryl. Caryl’s step-mom is remarried. All six people will be present at the
wedding.
Caryl’s father hasn’t talked to her
mother in years. Caryl’s mother and first
step-mom can’t stomach her father’s fiancée and don’t want her in any family
portraits. And the fiancée? Well, she’s demanding a corsage identical to
the one Caryl’s mom is wearing.
Are you confused? Do you hear just how outrageous all of this
is?!
When Caryl began to explain the “flow-chart”
to me, she was laughing at the absurdity of it all. By the end of our conversation, she was
crying. And Tony, her fiancé, whose own
parents have been happily married for thirty-five years, looked on concerned
and bewildered.
The pressures of dealing with it
all, the pain of seeing so much hatred among people
she genuinely loves and cares for, has
taken its toll on Caryl. She’s weary
from the demands that each of these people is making on her.
As both an officiant and a
communication coach, I offered her some tips on how to assert herself and set
boundaries. But what she needs is more
than “tips.”
What she needs is KINDNESS.
She needs for each of these people
to be kind to her and to her fiancé. She
needs them, at the very least, to be civil and sensible with each other.
And so, as you grapple with your
own pain, which does need to be respected, I plead with you to not let your
pain cause you to forget about your daughter or son, who is trying to be a
peacemaker, who is trying to respect her or his relationship with your
ex-spouse, who does not want to add to your hurt, yet who cannot bear the
burden of your pain.
I’m not demeaning or dismissing your raw
feelings. Trust me, my own extended
family is whack-a-do enough for me to know your ex may have never offered you
the kindness you deserved. Now, though,
you have the opportunity, dare I say the responsibility, to offer your child
all the kindness that they deserve.
I don’t know the story of your
divorce – and maybe your daughter or son doesn’t even know the full story. But as an officiant, I can tell you that I am
saddened from meeting brides and grooms whose hearts are torn by the
flame-tossing insensitivity of their divorced parents. I know it’s not your
intention to hurt your child – but you are.
In more ways than you know.
It’s been said that the “truth
hurts,” so here is the truth – you simply don’t have the right to douse your
child and their partner with your anger and bitterness. Surely, this is not the wedding gift you want
to give them?
STOP the demands. STOP the ultimatums. STOP the drama. You do have the power to stop the madness.
Your daughter or son deserves the best of who
you are on their wedding celebration. How
can you even think of offering them anything less? Get the support you need – and deserve. Ask your son or daughter to recognize your
pain. Ask without emotionally
blackmailing them. And then ask them
what they need from you.
Even though I don’t know you, I am
going to ask you, on behalf of your son or daughter, to do what may be the
bravest thing you’ve ever done:
Bless them through your hurt and pain – and don’t let that hurt and
pain cause you to hurt them on their day of hope and renewal.
Courage!
