However richly inspired by love, marriage is
a high wire act
that is usually attempted by two nervous
wrecks who just go for it,
reeling with bliss and blind with the hots.
The rest is work, faith and destiny.
Unknown
As
flippant as that quote may be, I think it offers keen insight into the wedding
experience.
I’ve
officiated ceremonies for a wide array of couples and what never ceases to
astonish me is how many of these folks were nervous wrecks on their wedding
day. “Wreck” in the sense that before
the ceremony they were so distracted with nerves, they couldn’t socialize and
truly were “beside” themselves.
A wedding is a surrealistic
experience, no matter the size of the guest list or the setting. There simply isn’t anything like it. While I
readily acknowledge that truth, I’m still puzzled by the nervous states of so
many of my brides and grooms. I “get”
the butterflies in the stomach nervousness but lately I’ve witnessed more
extreme nervousness and in each case it tossed a pawl over the celebration.
Katy (all names changed) was so anxious before the ceremony she asked
that a glass of water be placed behind one of the pillars near where she’d be
standing – in case she felt faint. When
it came time to walk down the aisle, she couldn’t move. She stood frozen for what seemed like an
eternity but was probably closer to five minutes – okay, in ceremony time that
is an eternity! The musicians played her
entrance piece four times before she started to walk. I have no idea why she was so nervous,
especially since she shared with me that she’d been planning her wedding since
she was nine years old!
Annie had a DIY wedding and limited
guests to intimate friends and
family. She was rapturous when she
described how Edward proposed to her. When
I arrived, though, for the ceremony, she was distracted and barely smiled. When I checked on her five minutes before the
start, I walked in on her snapping at her best friend who also was her hair
stylist. During the ceremony, she looked
dazed. Afterwards, she was snappish with
Edward because the sun was setting and they had less time than anticipated for
photos. Why worry about photos when you
will never forget in your heart the moment the two of you just shared?
But there are other stories. . .
I recently officiated a wedding
where Finn, the groom, told me right before ceremony start how happy he
was. In fact, he couldn’t believe just
how happy he was. He looked at me with
sparkling eyes and said, “All the people
I love in this world are here with me right now!” He thanked me for my help, slapped me on the
back and said, “Get me married!”
The week before her wedding Cathy
told me that she was determined to enjoy every minute of her wedding day. She reasoned, “If something happens then it’s beyond my control and I’ll just have to
let it go. Besides, I have you and
Annette (event planner) to take care of it!”
Another bride, Lucy, told me that
she had recently attended a ceremony where anything that could go wrong did go
wrong. I cringed when I heard that but
she reassured me that the couple didn’t mind because it was all so perfectly
imperfect that it made for a great and funny story.
Why is there such a difference
between these brides and grooms? Well, I’m
not sure why! But I can tell you that as
an officiant it is unsettling and sad to witness people feeling miserable on
what should be a beyond-the-beyond joyful day.
Having just wrote that I don’t know
why there’s a difference, I’ll now say that I think the difference actually
goes back to what I’ve said so many times before. . .if you’re focusing on having the “perfect” day, you are setting
yourself up for disappointment. Perfection,
as you understand it in your head, simply doesn’t exist. However, if you’re focused on creating a
“magical” day, then that “magic” will be perfect.
Sure, things can go wrong – and
I’ve seen things go wrong – but I’ve
never seen anything go so wrong that it ruined the joy of the day UNLESS the
couple chose to have what went wrong ruin the joy of their day.
So, what can you do to make sure
that your nerves do not ruin the fun and sweetness of your wedding day? Consider
these tips:
·
List what needs to happen for your joy to be
diminished. You and your partner could
make separate lists and then compare.
Explore why what you’ve written could diminish your joy. If your worst fear comes true, strategize
what you and your partner can do to protect each other and your celebration.
·
Embrace the phrase, “We’ll roll with it because
it’s not a joy killer.” You can handle
whatever happens. Really!
·
Is prayer, meditation or yoga something that
helps to center and ground you? If so,
then put it that practice on your daily schedule in the weeks leading up to
your wedding – and remain faithful to that schedule!
·
What do you and your partner want people to
remember about your wedding? What can
you do to ensure that’s what they will remember?
Remember – your wedding day is the most important PUBLIC day of your
life, but it really isn’t THE most important. The day your child is born will be more
important. The day you comfort your
partner after they’ve received shattering health news, that will be a more
important day.
Your wedding day gives thanks for
the past, celebrates the present and blesses the future. Therefore misery on your wedding day is a choice.
Why choose misery over joy?
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