Thoughts On Writing Your Own Vows

Here's an article in last Sunday's New York Times that offers some interesting advice on how to write your own vows.

Enjoy!

Before Saying ‘I Do,’ Define Just What You Mean

By LOIS SMITH BRADY

NYT: August 16, 2013

Writing your own vows, Lois Kellerman says, is like making homemade cookies.

 “If you can find the right ingredients, the right words in the case of vows, it is almost always better,” said Ms. Kellerman, a former leader of the Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture who has officiated at hundreds of weddings.

Many brides and grooms are choosing to say vows they have written themselves, whether marrying in a meadow or a cathedral. Writing your own vows, then standing up and saying them in front of a crowd definitely heightens the emotions at a wedding ceremony.

“Some couples have stage fright and don’t want to get up there and bare it all in public, possibly crying, just being a mess,” said Rachael Hofmann, a wedding planner in Boulder, Colo. “It’s tough to get that emotional publicly.”

But homemade vows can add much to the ceremony. “I think a lot of people overlook the fact that the ceremony should be really lovely and heartfelt,” said Amanda Kingloff, 38, a writer who lives in Brooklyn and who wrote her vows for her marriage to Michael Cohen in Garrison, N.Y., in May 2009. “They think more about, ‘Should I be serving fish or chicken?’ ”

“I wanted my vows to be a creative spin on who we are,” Ms. Kingloff said. By the time they wed, she and Mr. Cohen, now 42, had lived together two years. Her vows read more like a short story about how, once they started dating seriously, her furniture and various collections had merged with Mr. Cohen’s, a metaphor for how their lives had joined.

She made just a few promises in her vows. “I didn’t need to say, ‘I vow to honor and cherish you’ because we already cherished each other,” she said. “It seemed obvious.”

Brides and grooms began writing their own vows in the mid-19th century, according to Elizabeth Abbott, who has written several books about marriage. American feminists and the like-minded men they married were among the first to reword traditional vows.

“They wrote vows together to express a common view of marriage,” Ms. Abbott said. “They thought about it really carefully because it was quite radical at the time, whereas today, I would say, it’s very personal.”

Continue reading. . .

A Jumbolaya Of Feelings!

photo: ryan brenizer

true story

Maureen’s (names changed) maid of honor, Denise, was driving down from San Francisco to Hollywood for the weekend. They were going to work on wedding stuff. Denise said she’d be there in time for dinner. 6:00pm—no maid of honor. A couple of hours passed—no maid of honor and no phone call. By 11:00pm Maureen was panicked as she hadn’t been able to get hold of Denise. At 11:30pm Denise breezed in, much to Maureen’s relief. But when Maureen asked what had happened, Denise lamely said that she’d gotten a “late” start. She went on to say that her phone battery died. Maureen was dumfounded that Denise hadn’t given any thought to how worried she’d be.

Maureen admitted that she yelled at Denise, demanding to know what was wrong with her that she couldn’t have stopped to call. And, of course, Denise grew annoyed with Maureen for “making a big deal out of nothing.” Maureen shot back that she now wondered why she’d asked her to be her maid of honor! Denise wasn’t going to have any of that and hit back with the zinger, “I’ve got more on my mind than just your wedding.”

There were more nasty words and then silence. Come morning, both women apologized and then spent the rest of the weekend trying to repair the damage.

Emotions—ugh! Buttons are pressed so quickly. Words spit themselves out so easily. And the tone of it all is so often biting, sarcastic, condescending. And that’s when you’re not planning a wedding!

Here’s the reality: feelings get jumbled-up very easily.

Often times while we feel one strong emotion, there’s another, secondary emotion(s), lurking around. At times it’s difficult for us to figure out how best to express what we’re feeling. And so we end up expressing what is the strongest of the feelings. Although Maureen was relieved Denise was safe, her annoyance was the stronger feeling and that’s what came out in her tone and words. Then the conversation quickly took on a life of its own that wasn’t pretty.

Unfortunately, we seldom reveal the complexity of what we’re feeling. During planning, your emotions will get jumbled and will be hard to sort out. The “trick” is to recognize what you’re feeling and make that mindful effort to explain to your partner, friend, parent or vendor what’s going on inside your head and heart.

And, yes, that requires trust and honesty. Do you and your partner have that “dance step” in place?

Sanity Saver Questions:

• In the past week, has you’re partner asked how you’re feeling?

• Have you been able to give your partner some insight into what you’re feeling?

• In the past week have you been able to tune in to your partner’s feelings?

Remember: It’s fine to feel what you feel, but you have to let your partner (or whomever) understand the complexity of what you’re feeling. Otherwise, you’ll just come off as some crazy person to be avoided!

Finding Love After Hitting Rock Bottom

photo: leila brewster photography

I recently had a final meeting with a couple who are getting married next month.  During a leisurely Starbucks conversation, Max (names changed-as always!) said this to me:

“I had to reach rock bottom in past relationships before I could find Kate. I had self-imprisoned myself in a gulag of abuse. I knew I wanted better and so I set out in search of Kate.”

The old cliché that marriage is a “ball and chain” made no sense to Max, as for him marriage was freedom—to experience love, to love and to move closer to being the man he wanted to be.

One of my favorite poets, Mark Doty, observed: “How shall we know ourselves, except in the clarifying mirror of some other gaze?”

Max and Kate understand that their wedding is a celebration of choice – a celebration of moving into the light.

And so for them, marriage, with all of its unknowns and uncertainties, is about overcoming fear: the fear of not being worthy.

Can I predict the future for any couple? No, BUT with Max and Kate I can bet my money that theirs is an enduring love.  Why? Because once you’ve “seen” what they’ve seen, it’s very, very hard to “un-see” it!

In that book which is my memory,

On the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you,

Appear the words, ‘Here begins a new life.’

Dante Alighieri

Interfaith Marriage - A NY Times Article

More than 50% of the weddings I officiate are inter-faith.  While the vast majority of those couples no longer practice the rituals of the faith in which they were raised and now identify as “spiritual,” it is interesting to see how long presumed dormant “buttons” are pressed in the planning process.

I recently came across this NYTimes article on inter-faith marriage and am intrigued with the author’s findings. You might be, too. . .

Enjoy!

Interfaith Unions

By NAOMI SCHAEFER RILEY

NYT   April 5, 2013

LIKE Hanukkah and Christmas, Passover and Easter, which recently coincided, can make for awkward moments for families that observe multiple religious traditions. For interfaith couples, the wedding season can also be a time for uncomfortable conversations: Who will solemnize our ceremony? Will God be mentioned — and if so, whose? Oh, and how will we raise our kids?

Before the 1960s, about 20 percent of married couples were in interfaith unions; of couples married in this century’s first decade, 45 percent were. (My definition includes Catholic-Protestant unions, marriages of mainline Protestants to evangelical Christians, and unions of those who affiliated with a religion and those who didn’t.)

Secular Americans welcome the rise of interfaith unions as a sign of societal progress. The relatively high rates of intermarriage of American Muslims, for example, suggest that their assimilation might resemble that of American Jews of earlier generations.

Even so, interfaith marriages often come with a heavy price. They are more likely than same-faith unions to be unhappy and, in some circumstances, to end in divorce. They also tend to diminish the strength of religious communities, as the devout are pulled away from bonds of tradition and orthodoxy by their nonmember spouses.

In 2010, I commissioned the polling firm YouGov to conduct a nationally representative survey of 2,450 Americans, adjusted to produce an oversampling of couples in interfaith marriages. It found such unions were becoming more common, without regard to geography, income or education level.

Continue reading. . .

On Earth – At The Same Moment

I’m not sure where I came across this excerpt, but I know I saved it because of the very last sentence, which I think is simply exquisite.  Read it and then replace the names “Adam and Miranda” with your name and your partner’s name. . .how do you feel?!

"In Pale Horse, Pale Rider (1939), Porter wrote: "He had his uniforms made by the best tailor he could find, he confided to Miranda one day when she told him how squish he was looking in his new soldier suit. 'Hard enough to make anything of the outfit, anyhow,' he told her. 'It's the least I can do for my beloved country, not to go around looking like a tramp.' 

He was twenty-four years old and a Second Lieutenant in an Engineers Corps, on leave because his outfit expected to be sent over shortly. 'Came in to make my will,' he told Miranda, 'and get a supply of toothbrushes and razor blades. By what gorgeous luck do you suppose,' he asked her, 'I happened to pick on your rooming house? How did I know you were there?'

"Strolling, keeping step, his stout polished well-made boots setting themselves down firmly beside her thin-soled black suede, they put off as long as they could the end of their moment together, and kept up as well as they could their small talk that flew back and forth over little grooves worn in the thin upper surface of the brain, things you could say and hear clink reassuringly at once without disturbing the radiance which played and darted about the simple and lovely miracle of being two persons named Adam and Miranda, alive and on the earth at the same moment."

A Sanity Saver Quizz

photo: vcsphoto.com

It’s very easy to be seduced by “crazy thinking” while in the throes of wedding planning. To help you understand just how easy it is, consider these questions. How many do you nod your head to in agreement? How many can your partner answer with a “yes”?

1. When stumped as to how to make some wedding detail perfect, do you get easily frustrated?

2. Do you feel suffocated by all the things you never realized you should do for your wedding?

3. Are you and your partner fighting frequently over wedding details?

4. Do you feel that the planning is slipping out of your hands and into those of your partner, parents or vendors?

5. Are you afraid to speak up and voice your opinion?

6. Do you spend large amounts of time consciously and unconsciously worrying about what your families and friends will think about your wedding?

7. Are you feeling more confused than focused?

8. Are you willing to sacrifice what you want for the wedding for the sake of pleasing your parents?

9. Are you easily influenced when a vendor says that you “really should” consider a particular item related to your wedding?

10. Are many of your decisions based on how not to upset or disappoint or offend people involved in your wedding?

11. Are you spending more time worrying than laughing?

12. Are you venting on people who are really not responsible for your decisions?

If you have more “yes” answers than “no” answers then most likely you are buying into one of more or these classic, crazy-making beliefs:

1. It must be perfect or it’s no good.

2. There are things you “should” do no matter what you want.

3. There are situations in which you are helpless and have no choice.

4. You are totally responsible for how family and friends feel.

So, how can you turn those “yes” answers into resounding “no” answers? I suggest that you pick out the one crazy-making belief you most easily buy into. Have your partner do the same. Share your “craziness” with each other and consider:

• Why do you buy into this irrational belief?

• How does it make you feel?

• Does it help you with your planning?

• Does it make you feel relaxed? Confident?

• Do you think your stress could be reduced if you didn’t buy into this crazy-making belief?

• Why are you clinging to this thinking?

• What do you think is the worst thing that could happen if you let go of this belief?

Talk to your partner and find out what you can do to help him or her feel safer, calmer, and more assured that all will be well. Learn how you can help him or her not so readily buy into their favorite emotional lie.

Remember: Only when you reject these crazy-making beliefs can your wedding be a joyful event, grounded in your truth.

Performance Anxiety

photo: picottephotography

Peter Bregman is my hands-down favorite business writer.  And so it might seem strange that I’m linking to one of his posts here on my wedding blog.  Well, this article is his reflection on the advice a friend gave him the night before his wedding––advice that served him well on his wedding day and for many days after, both professionally and personally.

Enjoy!

Stop Focusing on Your Performance

by Peter Bregman  |   January 24, 2013  |  HBR Blog

The night before our wedding, Eleanor and I stood awkwardly in the center of a large room, surrounded by our family and our closest friends. There was no particular reason to be uncomfortable; this was just a rehearsal. Still, we were in the spotlight and things weren't going smoothly. Neither the rabbi nor the cantor had arrived and we didn't know where to stand, what to say, or what to do.

It had taken us 11 years — and a lot of work — to get to this point. Eleanor is Episcopalian, the daughter of a deacon, and I am Jewish, the son of a Holocaust survivor. The one thing our parents agreed about before the wedding was that we shouldn't get married.

A friend of ours, Sue Anne Steffey Morrow, a Methodist minister, offered to stand in for the Jewish officiants who were absent. She moved us through the rehearsal, placing people in position, reading prayers, and lightening the mood with a few well-timed jokes.

When the rehearsal was over and we were feeling more relaxed, she offered me and Eleanor a piece of advice that remains one of the best I have ever received.

"Tomorrow hundreds of people will be watching you on the most important day of your life. Try to remember this: It's not a performance; it's an experience."

continue reading. . .