true story (names changed)
Gloria and Sal, a couple in their
mid-thirties, hired me to officiate their ceremony at an estate in Santa
Barbara. They each had been raised Catholic, but over the years drifted away.
They went to Midnight Christmas mass and that pretty much was it.
Both sets of parents were
practicing Catholics and they knew that the couple no longer practiced the
religion. Although knowing that, both sets of parents told them that if they
didn’t get married in the church, they wouldn’t attend the wedding.
At first, Gloria and Sal resisted
and then, just a month after hiring me, caved in. They told me that they didn’t
want to hurt their parents’ feelings.
They decided to focus on the reception
and after-party. Of course, their parents had much to say about that as well
since they were jointly paying for it. Eventually, Gloria and Sal just wanted
to get their wedding over with so they could get on with their lives.
Here is the fourth lie that couples play in
their heads:
they and they alone are ultimately
responsible for the happiness of their families and friends on the day of their
wedding.
Let me be very clear: No one has
the right to emotionally blackmail you. No one has the right to throw
ultimatums your way. Family and friends can choose to honor your life and your
decisions, or they can choose to place the burden of how they feel upon you and
your partner.
If they choose the later, then
that’s not love. It’s emotional blackmail. I know this is hard to grasp and
accept, but the simple truth is—more times than not, you are not responsible
for other people’s feelings.
We are each responsible for our own
feelings—and the choices we make based on those feelings.
Brides often tell me of the
compromises they’ve made so as to “make peace.” That’s fine, so long as you
remember—this is your wedding. I know that a wedding is not only about the
couple; it’s also about the families. However, a wedding really doesn’t
celebrate the union of two families. Your parents aren’t going to be sharing a
bed together! A wedding celebrates the union of two people—you and your
partner.
So, when you “make peace” make sure
you’re remaining true to you and your partner. Otherwise, you will have no
peace. A shared vision is your compass, as it will help you not let the
emotions swamp you.
Sanity Saver Questions:
• Where in the planning are you and
your partner willing to compromise?
• Where are you and your partner
not willing to compromise?
• Are you on the same page, right
now, today?
Remember: You’re not going to please everyone. It is not your
responsibility to please everyone. You’re not responsible for how people react
to your choices.
No comments:
Post a Comment