true story
Rhonda and Bill (names changed) were planning their
wedding without the help of a coordinator. Although Rhonda’s job required her
to travel out of state several weeks a month, she was an organized person and
felt up to the task of having a DIY wedding. Bill worked local and said he was
willing to do whatever she wanted, though he thought she was obsessive with the
detailed lists she gave him. He never completed a list and it didn’t seem to
bother him. “It’ll all be fine,” was his motto.
I had a final meeting with them a
little more than a month before the wedding. Rhonda looked stressed and
exhausted, while Bill seemed uncomfortable. Rhonda was going to be out of town
for the next week and a half and she pleaded with me, “How do I get him to do
what’s on the lists? How do I get him to understand that if he doesn’t do this
stuff it isn’t going to get done?”
Bill looked sheepish and promised
her he’d get everything done. “Why should I believe you?” she snapped. “You say
you’re going to get it done and you never do. Do you even want to get married?”
And so it went, until Bill finally
shot back, “Maybe if you didn’t treat me like an idiot, I’d pay more attention
to what you want me to do!” He turned to me and in a mixture of sarcasm and
resignation said, “If I didn’t tune her out, I’d lose my mind.”
I was shocked. Bill and Rhonda
laughed a lot while planning the ceremony and they seemed in sync. Although
they snapped at each other in this meeting, this was not their usual dance
step. Unlike Andy and Sara, Bill and Rhonda avoided conflict. Rhonda usually
was passive while Bill perfected being passive-aggressive and now he’d driven
her to the breaking point.
Bill was classic passive-aggressive
in that he had strong feelings of resentment and anger and was unwilling to
express those feelings in an honest way. He resented being saddled with long
to-do lists of things he thought were silly and unnecessary. He felt put upon
by Rhonda and instead of having an honest conversation with her, he’d simply
“forget” to do things. Any time Rhonda panicked, he’d accuse her of not
trusting him and getting upset over “nothing.”
Other classic passive-aggressive
techniques by which you can drive your partner crazy include:
Silent treatment. You just stop talking to the person and then,
when some time has passed and your partner asks, “Is anything wrong?” you look
surprised and say, “Wrong? No. Why would you think that?”
Martyr. The stuff of Oscars. Your partner wants to play golf rather
than accompany you to a meeting with one of the vendors. Instead of telling him
why it’s important he goes, you simply say: “That’s okay. I can meet with the
photographer alone.” And when he asks if you’re sure, with a tired voice you
reply: “Yes; don’t worry about it—have fun.” Later you complain that he should
have known you wanted him to go with you—and that you’re sick of his not
caring!
Withhold. Your partner wants something and you deny it to them. She
wants you to go somewhere and you say you’re tired. And here’s where the all
time classic line comes into play: “No, not tonight. I have a headache.”
You choose to be passive-aggressive
when you decide that your partner needs to be punished for hurting you and part
of the punishment is that they’re not going to know you’re punishing them!
Sanity Saver Questions:
• Is being passive-aggressive your
preferred style for dealing with conflict?
• From whom did you learn this
style?
• Do you like seeing what it does
to your partner? If you do, then why are you marrying someone you enjoy
punishing?
Remember: there will be enough family members and friends who will say
and do outrageous things in the weeks and months ahead that will drive you and
your partner to a primal scream. So, why torment each other when other people
will do that for you?!
No comments:
Post a Comment