true story
By the time I met with Moira (names changed), she was beyond
distressed. The problem was her mother, who criticized almost every choice she
had made in the planning. Moira’s mother expressed her disappointment with tears,
tantrums and long silences.
The proverbial final straw was when
Moira, her mother, and her four bridesmaids went gown shopping. Everyone except
her mom fell in love with “the” dress. Apparently, the bridesmaids teased her
mom for not supporting Moira in her choice. Later, Moira’s mom broke down
sobbing, accusing the bridesmaids of being disrespectful.
She demanded that Moira force her
friends to apologize and if they didn’t, she wanted Moira to un-invite them as
bridesmaids. Moira refused and told her she was being unreasonable. And so they
went round and round. Tears, accusations, and all the stuff of emotional
blackmail.
Eventually, her mother admitted
that, most likely, the women hadn’t intended to be rude and she may have
misinterpreted what they said. Still, though, she wanted Moira to demand that
they apologize.
At the time we met, things were
frosty between Moira and her mother. Moira had had it and didn’t care if she
came to the wedding or not. But, of course, she cared—why else would she cry
when she said she didn’t care?
She told me that this was how
things went between her and her mother. They argued; didn’t talk; and then got
back together—without ever resolving what first led them into not talking.
Theirs had been a dance that alternated between being passive and
passive-aggressive.
There is, though, one other dance
step and that’s to be assertive. You’re assertive when you decide to express
your thoughts, feelings, and needs to a person in a clear and respectful way
without playing games.
Of all the dance steps, this is the
one that most people are unfamiliar with. Yet, it’s the one technique that has
the greatest chance of reducing stress and increasing your chances of getting
heard.
I suggested to Moira that she
needed to have two different conversations with her mother. The first
conversation needed to be about the general pattern with which her mother dealt
with their disagreements. They had to talk about her emotional blackmail, i.e.
unfair demands followed by teary tantrums. Only then could they have the second
conversation, which was about the wedding dress incident.
Oftentimes people are difficult
because they don’t think they’re appreciated. Most likely, some of that was
going on with Moira’s mother. And so for the conversation about her mother’s
melodramatic ploys, I suggested she do something along these lines:
Ask your mother if the two of you
can have a talk. Reassure her that you’re happy she’s interested in the wedding
and that you know she wants it to be a perfect day. Remind her that you can’t
imagine any of it without her being with you. Reaffirm that you do take her
input seriously and that when you disagree with her and go with what you want,
it’s not a rejection of her support. Remind her that just having her by your
side through all of this is the greatest gift.
Once Moira reassured her mother
that this whole planning process wasn’t a referendum on their love and
relationship, she could then move on to a discussion of the dress and the
bridesmaids.
I suggested a script like this:
I
love my wedding dress. I know that it’s not the one you liked. It is, though,
the one I love and I’m glad you were there with me when I found it. I’m sorry
that things got out of hand with the girls. I don’t think they meant to be cruel
or hurt you in any way. And I think you know that, too. I know they want to
speak with you and I hope you let them explain what happened. I’m not getting
into the middle of this, though, and I don’t want you to give me ultimatums. I
feel that you’re pressuring me to take sides and to punish good friends for
what is just a misunderstanding. I don’t want this dress to remind me of
something that grew way ugly and way out of proportion. I know you don’t want
that, either.
Stilted? Yes. Unnatural? Sure, since
this isn’t how Moira and her mother were in the habit of talking to each other.
It is, though, a blueprint for talking assertively and for drawing boundaries.
Moira resisted, saying that she
thought her mother would still throw a fit, so why bother. I urged her to give
it a try—it’s not like her mother was going to be more reasonable using any of
the old tactics.
You might be expecting me to write
that Moira tried my approach and all was happily resolved with her mother.
Well, not exactly. Moira did reassure her mother that she appreciated
everything she was doing and explained that rejecting her suggestions was not a
rejection of her. That went a long way to calming her mother’s insecurities.
However, Moira’s conversation about
the dress didn’t go as well. Her mother dug in her heels. Ah, pride! Within a
week, though, Moira’s mother realized that she wasn’t going to get any traction
from harping about the incident. After their talk, when Moira’s mother wanted
to drag it up again, Moira would firmly, politely stop her. She reminded her
mother that this was not her problem and that her mother needed to take it up
with the girls. Eventually, Moira’s mom and the bridesmaids had their talk and
she got her apology. And Moira stayed clear of it all.
As the wedding drew closer, Moira’s
mom tried to stir up some drama but by then Moira felt more confident in
speaking directly to her and setting boundaries.
Old habits die hard, yet by the
time Moira walked down the aisle, she and her mother had laid the groundwork
for a healthier, less drama-filled way of talking with each other.
And Zach, Moira’s husband, was a
very relieved man!
Sanity Saver Questions:
• What is your gut reaction to
reading this chapter?
• What concerns you the most about
speaking assertively?
• Are you and your partner willing
to practice being more mindfully assertive with each other and with difficult
family and friends?
Remember: having a hard conversation is hard because we’re not used to
this “dance step.” However, no good can come from shouting, shutting down, or
manipulating someone we claim to care about. With understanding comes clarity,
the bedrock for resolution and healing.
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