When Tensions Build. . .

photo: brittrenephoto.com

I hope this posting doesn’t apply to you. . .but just in case it does. . .

true story

Ten days before Andy and Sara’s wedding (names changed), their event planner called and asked if I’d meet with them at their home. Things were in melt-down mode. I’d finalized their ceremony more than a month before. It was a brief meeting and while they were stressed, they seemed no more so than most couples. Now, though, I could feel the tension when I walked into their house.

We sat down, I smiled and simply asked, “What’s up?” Silence. Anger, not stress, creased their faces. I asked Sara what had happened. She began talking about Andy as though he weren’t in the room. It was hard to follow what she was saying, but it soon became a litany of what he’d done wrong.

Suddenly, Andy exploded, “SHUT UP! I’M SICK OF YOUR LIES!” And, yes, I was now worried as he was bigger than I am and looked like he’d mentally snapped. They launched into a yelling match, totally ignoring me. I’ll admit that I was mesmerized since it was like I’d been transported to the set of a reality show!

But then I came to my senses and tried to intervene. Being polite and officiant-like wasn’t going to do the job, so I tapped into my New York voice and shouted, “YO!” They turned and looked at me seeming almost confused as to what I was doing in their home. Sara quickly looked embarrassed, while Andy just steamed.

What had gone so wrong between them? Well, they had an infant (unplanned). They were building a home. They had unresolved and non-discussed money issues. They had no time to talk, just time to argue and lash out; to say hurtful things to each other that they didn’t know what to do with. Their jumbled, poorly expressed emotions left them exhausted as they crawled to what they called the “finish line” of their wedding planning.

It sounded, though, more like the finish line of their relationship.

Andy and Sara had a far more complicated relationship than I’d been aware of. Part of what made their dynamic so rough was the manner in which they dealt with difficult conversations. Because they weren’t skilled at talking with each other; because they avoided the tough and messy issues; because they were overwhelmed by their intense feelings, all they could do was scream, accuse and belittle each other.

Avoid, simmer, erupt, hurt, and then retreat. This was their pattern. Classic aggressive behavior.

Sanity Saver Questions:

• Do you enjoy yelling at your partner?

• Do you enjoy putting your partner down in front of other people?

• Have you ever said, “I hate you!” to your partner?

If you answered “yes” to any one of these questions, then I suggest you put aside this book and search for a counselor and put your wedding plans on hold.

Remember: yelling, humiliating and hating are clear indicators that your relationship needs professional care and attention. Screaming, belittling and accusing are not the ways in which you protect and keep each other safe.

"Don't Rock The Boat"

photo: brittany waddell

true story

Robbie’s father (names changed) had never approved of Nina, his fiancée, as no one was good enough for his son. When they were dating, Robbie’s father was barely civil to Nina, but Robbie shrugged it off with, “that’s just dad being dad.” Once they began planning for their wedding, Robbie’s father made demands on Nina, disapproving many of her decisions.

Again, Robbie shrugged it off with, “that’s just how he is.” Nina kept her feelings bottled up because she didn’t want to disrespect her future father-in-law.

Three months before the wedding I met with them and within minutes Nina broke down. She could no longer deal with Robbie’s father. Robbie was surprised as he didn’t know things had gotten to this point.

Turns out, while growing up, Robbie learned to deal with his father’s tantrums by simply shrugging him off and not confronting him. In the face of his father’s overbearing ways, Robbie learned to “vanish.”

Nina, who is Indian, was taught that women should not question what a man says as a woman must know her place.” She learned not to cause waves in the face of conflict.

As we talked, Robbie realized he could no longer leave Nina to deal with his father alone.

The old ways, the old dance steps, of handling his father no longer worked. After our meeting, they had a long talk and strategized how to contain Robbie’s father and protect themselves during the final stages of planning.

By the time of their wedding, boundaries were in place and Robbie’s father haltingly was learning to treat Nina with a new found respect.

Initially, Robbie and Nina embodied a passive approach to Robbie’s dad. They avoided dealing with him in a way that would have let him know what they were thinking and feeling. They crossed their fingers, closed their eyes and simply hoped it would all turn out for the best! However, it wouldn’t until they told Robbie’s dad what they wanted from him.

Sanity Saver Questions:

• Do you prefer to be passive when dealing with difficult situations?

• From whom did you learn this pattern?

• Does it allow you and your partner to effectively resolve what needs resolving?

Remember: we train people how to treat us. If you endure a person’s troubling behavior, choosing to do nothing, then they will not change. They don’t know that you’re suffering and your silence gives them no incentive to change.

There Will Be Arguments!

 

photo: brittrenephoto.com

true story

Two weeks before her wedding, Kelly (names changed) called me—upset. The night before, she and her fiancé, Jeff, had a fight. At the end of the argument, he snapped: “You think you know everything about me, but you don’t.”

I now think she’s calling to tell me that she’s canceling the wedding. Instead, she asks: “Do you think this is a red flag?”

Red flag? No, this is a RED CURTAIN!

I asked if she was curious as to what he’d meant when he said she didn’t know “everything” about him. Kelly told me that Jeff often vented and yelled, but that he didn’t mean anything by it. I was still curious since if he doesn’t mean anything by it, why does he yell? She had no answer.

A few days later, Kelly called to tell me that all was fine and back to “normal.” No, Jeff hadn’t apologized and, no, she still hadn’t asked him what he meant by that cryptic, snarling statement. She decided to let well enough alone—to let the pattern of their arguing remain in place despite the stress it continually caused her.

Kelly had talked herself into believing that there was nothing wrong with this dynamic. “It’s just how he is,” was her mantra. Besides, she was worried that if she confronted him, she’d hurt his feelings. She didn’t want to antagonize the situation by asking him to explain himself, as she “knew” he loved her.

Fear of confrontation. Fear of conflict. These are fears shared by many of us and Kelly was no different. But it’s essential to understand that conflict is a natural part of every relationship. Odd as it may sound, you can’t have a healthy relationship without conflict.

Over time, you and your partner have developed ways to deal with uncomfortable situations, conversations, and conflict. I call these “dance steps” and you’ve developed them without much conscious thought. The question is: do these dance steps let you and your partner get what you need in a way that’s honest and healthy?

As you plan for your wedding, arguments most likely will arise – between you and your fiancé, between you and relatives or friends.  Part of staying sane is knowing how to deal with those sticky situations.  In upcoming posts, I’ll offer tips and tricks for navigating difficult moments.  For now, though, here are some questions to get you thinking about you and your relationship to “conflict.”

Sanity Saver Questions:

• What do you enjoy about conflict? What do you not enjoy?

• Do you know what your partner enjoys or doesn’t enjoy about conflict?

• What would you like to see more of when you and your partner have a difficult conversation? What would you like to see less of?

Crying At Weddings - Go For It!

photo: christinebentley.com

true story

Lindsey had been engaged for ten years and sobbed so hard during the ceremony she wasn’t able to complete her vows. She said enough of the vow so I moved on as I didn’t know what else to do. After the ceremony, Lindsey was annoyed, wanting to know why I didn’t help her stop crying!

Couples often tell me that they hope they won’t cry at the ceremony. Why? Why not cry? And if the groom cries, guests will slip an extra $50 in the envelope as they feel they got their money’s worth!

Your wedding is one of the most emotional moments in your life, for reasons you can name and some you’re not able to name. I assure couples that I will remain strong for them. And I usually do, though there have been exceptions. I cried at my brother’s wedding. I cried at the weddings of each of my close friends. And I’m not someone who cries easily.

I cried under a Chuppah nestled in the courtyard of a four-hundred year old Catholic chapel. It was in a town about an hour outside Mexico City. The bride was Mexican Catholic and the groom was Jewish, from Philadelphia. Underneath the Chuppah, along with the three of us, was a statue of Our Lady of Guadalupe. After exchanging vows and rings, as the couple presented their mothers with roses, the bride’s cousin, a Mexican actor, sang Ave Maria. It was a teary-eyed, goose-bump moment. Why?

The sheer beauty of these good people was exquisite—Jewish and Christian, coming in faith and hope and love, to a remote village, to transcend all that could pull them apart. How can you not cry when life is so deep down good?

I cried in a vegetable garden (trust me, I really still haven’t seen it all). The wedding took place in a funky desert resort owned by the bride’s aunt. The ceremony was in the vegetable garden. The bride’s father escorted her down the dirt path. She wore a veil that every bride in her family had worn. The air literally shimmered from the desert heat. The DJ played “The Blue Danube.” The bride and her father looked like they were walking on water. And under a mulberry tree the couple gave their word to each other. How could we not cry at the earthy simplicity and sheltered trust of it all?

Why do we cry at weddings? I think it’s because of the intense sweetness of the moment—and the sheer audacity of the couple’s hope. Ultimately, I think it’s because our tears are the surest way to honor the truth and goodness of the moment.

Tips For Expressing Your Feelings So That You Get Heard

photo: tjweddings.com

When you weren’t planning for your wedding, managing emotions might have been “manageable” if not even fun. Now, though, you’re dealing with people you normally don’t interact with and many of these people are asking you to make decisions and do things that are out of your normal “real” world. You will feel emotions you hadn’t felt before. Old buttons will be pressed. How you and your partner handle these emotional experiences will influence how you deal with emotions after the last “thank you” note is sent. To give you further insight into your relationship with emotions, consider these questions. Which ones describe you? Your partner?

1. Do you frequently end arguments by saying, “That’s just how I feel”?

2. Do you believe your partner should know how you feel about him or her without having to tell your partner?

3. Do you look to your partner to make you feel happy?

4. Do you use the word “feel” more often than the word “think” or “believe”?

5. Do you call yourself “stupid” after making a mistake?

6. Are there feelings you have that you don’t like because you think it’s wrong to have them?

7. Do you think feelings are inferior to logic?

8. Do you think if you say something once, then that should be enough?

9. Do you think your partner’s feelings are as important as yours?

10. Do you care how people feel when you express your feelings?

11. Do you feel overwhelmed by your feelings?

If you answered, “yes” to four or more of these questions, then the stress of wedding planning will gnaw at your nerves!

The following tips will help you manage your emotions and in doing so help you and your partner navigate those unexpected moments that will stun you with their infuriating oddity and dysfunctionality.

• Identify what triggered whatever it is you’re feeling. It doesn’t take much to trigger a feeling. It’s easy to say that you don’t know why you feel the way you do. If you don’t know why, then is it fair to lash out at your partner? Having your partner be aware of what specifically he or she said or did (or did not do) will let them engage you. Avoid sweeping generalizations. Again, pinpoint what has set off what you’re feeling.

• Recognize what you’re feeling. For most people life is bone-crushing fast and jam-packed. Although we’re constantly feeling, it may seem like we’re not because we’ve trained ourselves not to pay attention. Be aware of what you’re emotionally experiencing (check that word list from Chapter 9). The more aware you are, the more you’ll be able to help your partner be aware.

• Share the mixed feelings you have. We seldom feel just one way. You might appreciate your mother’s efforts to help and at the same time be annoyed that she calls four times a day. More times than not it’s just easier to express the “negative” feelings, which are usually the stronger, without sharing any of the others. Help your partner (relative, friend) get as full a sense of what you’re experiencing, by letting them know all of what you’re feeling. “I’m happy that you want to help out AND I’m feeling overwhelmed with all your phone calls.”

• Recognize the difference between feeling and acting. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad. They just are. Don’t feel guilty about what you’re feeling. However, your responsibility is to manage those feelings in such a way that they don’t exhaust you, drive you to distraction or cause hurt.

• Express your feelings clearly, without understating, overstating. Remember that telling your partner you’re “a little annoyed” tells him or her nothing. Your partner (or relative, friend) simply isn’t capable of figuring out on his or her own what “a little” actually means. On the other hand, leave the melodrama to your fav reality show—avoid those Bridezilla instincts.

• Choose the best time and place to express your feelings. There’s a time and place for everything and making your partner look like a jerk in front of a vendor isn’t the right time and place.

This posting is an excerpt from my new book – How to Keep The ‘I’ In ‘I Do’ – which you can find exclusively at Amazon Kindle. . .enjoy!

True Kindness

photo: leila brewster

true story

I recently reunited with a couple whose wedding I officiated fifteen years ago. They look older but their spirits are as I remember them. Open, inquisitive, yet clearly defined in their ongoing aspirations. “Jack Daniels” joined us at the table and story begat story. It was a magical night.

As I was leaving, Frank suddenly asked me, “Do you know why Renee and I are still in love?” Various answers came to mind, but I just said, “No, why are you still in love?” With pride he replied, “We’re kind to each other.”

Frank explained how he and Renee consciously decided that they didn’t ever want to lose sight of being each other’s partner and best friend—not punching bag or dumping ground for the day’s irritations. So simple, yet so challenging!

No matter how strong and healthy your relationship, stress cracks will appear when the bliss of engagement turns into the craziness of actual planning. Planning your wedding will test your kindness to each other in surprising ways.

While there are many ways in which to be kind to your partner, how you express what you’re feeling is one of the most important. Letting your partner know how you feel in a way that doesn’t turn him or her into that punching bag is one of the kindest things you can do—for your partner and each other.

Here are four things you need to avoid doing.

1.  Has anyone ever been annoyed with you and sarcastically asked, “What the #@%^ is wrong with you?” And when they asked what’s wrong with you, did you smile, sit down and tell them what’s wrong with you? Didn’t think so!

Loudly attacking someone with phrases such as, “What’s wrong with you?” “Leave me alone—can’t you see I’m busy?” or “You’re driving me nuts!” will definitely drive the other person away. The only problem is they’ll be so annoyed with you that they won’t want to talk to you later on or help you. And really, why should they?

AVOID: outbursts. They just signal that you’re in a bad mood without offering any insight into why. There’s never a good time to be nasty!

2.  Do you end heated “discussions” with, “That’s just how I am”? Nice. Cute. Useless! No one is ever “just” something. We always feel a certain way for a reason. If you don’t tell the other person why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, they’ll storm off thinking that you’re a jerk (or some stronger word).

AVOID: dramatic declarations. They provide no clue as to why you are the way you “just” are and most likely your partner is going to feel “just” fed up with you stonewalling him or her.

3. What about when you say, “I’m kinda mad at you right now.” How mad is “kinda”? Is your “kinda” the same as your partner’s “kinda”? Understated expressions can only confuse your partner. The clearer you are in describing how you feel, the better chance your partner has of understanding you and being able to help you.

AVOID: vague words such as: almost, better, big, cheap easy, expensive, in a minute, probably, soon. You know what you mean by these words, but your partner may not. When you say, “I’ll be ready in a minute,” how many minutes is that “minute”! You decrease your chances for being misunderstood, the more specific you are.

4. And the single most important word to avoid is: YOU: You never. You always. You disappoint me. You make me sick.

When you attack the other person with a barrage of “you’s” all they can do is one of two things—lash out or become defensive.

At my first meeting with a couple I can easily predict how they’ll handle planning stress. If they repeatedly use the phrase, “we’re feeling” then I know they’re in this together. But sometimes, couples speak in a sarcastic tone, tossing out “you this and you that” at a rapid pace. Clearly, the stress is going to bring them to their knees long before their wedding day.

AVOID: “you.” That one little word has the power to press your partner’s buttons. You know how you react when someone attacks you with “you,” so why attack your partner with “you” when you know what you’re doing!

We’re all guilty of what I’ve just described. Why? Because old habits die hard. Because we’re lazy. Because we think we don’t or shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. BUT, you do have to explain yourself; otherwise, you’ll drive your partner nuts, who, in turn, will drive you nuts!

Sanity Saver Questions:

• In the past week, how many times have you accused your partner of not “caring”?

• In the past week how many times have you complained to someone about your partner not understanding you?

• In the past week how many times have you understated your feelings or bombarded your partner with “you” accusations?

• What would you like to see happen differently?

Remember: You protect and keep each other sane when you are aware of and acknowledge each other’s feelings, try to understand and not judge those feelings, and go on to take responsibility for owning and expressing your feelings.

Thoughts On Writing Your Own Vows

Here's an article in last Sunday's New York Times that offers some interesting advice on how to write your own vows.

Enjoy!

Before Saying ‘I Do,’ Define Just What You Mean

By LOIS SMITH BRADY

NYT: August 16, 2013

Writing your own vows, Lois Kellerman says, is like making homemade cookies.

 “If you can find the right ingredients, the right words in the case of vows, it is almost always better,” said Ms. Kellerman, a former leader of the Brooklyn Society for Ethical Culture who has officiated at hundreds of weddings.

Many brides and grooms are choosing to say vows they have written themselves, whether marrying in a meadow or a cathedral. Writing your own vows, then standing up and saying them in front of a crowd definitely heightens the emotions at a wedding ceremony.

“Some couples have stage fright and don’t want to get up there and bare it all in public, possibly crying, just being a mess,” said Rachael Hofmann, a wedding planner in Boulder, Colo. “It’s tough to get that emotional publicly.”

But homemade vows can add much to the ceremony. “I think a lot of people overlook the fact that the ceremony should be really lovely and heartfelt,” said Amanda Kingloff, 38, a writer who lives in Brooklyn and who wrote her vows for her marriage to Michael Cohen in Garrison, N.Y., in May 2009. “They think more about, ‘Should I be serving fish or chicken?’ ”

“I wanted my vows to be a creative spin on who we are,” Ms. Kingloff said. By the time they wed, she and Mr. Cohen, now 42, had lived together two years. Her vows read more like a short story about how, once they started dating seriously, her furniture and various collections had merged with Mr. Cohen’s, a metaphor for how their lives had joined.

She made just a few promises in her vows. “I didn’t need to say, ‘I vow to honor and cherish you’ because we already cherished each other,” she said. “It seemed obvious.”

Brides and grooms began writing their own vows in the mid-19th century, according to Elizabeth Abbott, who has written several books about marriage. American feminists and the like-minded men they married were among the first to reword traditional vows.

“They wrote vows together to express a common view of marriage,” Ms. Abbott said. “They thought about it really carefully because it was quite radical at the time, whereas today, I would say, it’s very personal.”

Continue reading. . .