Simon and Jacqui were a “nice” couple
who happen to be one of a handful of couples whose wedding I declined to
officiate. I actually don’t say “yes” to
every couple that asks me to celebrate their ceremony. While I’m not able to predict if a couple will
live happily ever after, I need to have a gut feeling that they have what it
takes.
Jacqui and Simon had been together
for ten years. Within minutes of our
meeting, Jacqui told me that she had sacrificed her life for Simon. She gave up plans for grad school so as to
work and put him through law school. She
helped him pay off his student loans and she moved around to three different
states for him.
She said that now it was her
turn—she wanted a wedding and he “owed” her.
Simon had taken the Bar exam and
was waiting to hear the results. Since
he’d reached his goal and Jacqui no longer needed to sacrifice for him, I asked
him if was prepared to sacrifice for her.
He looked at me blankly.
Huh? Again, I asked what was he
prepared to do to help her reach her dreams.
He was stumped, as he’d never thought of it quite that way.
I’m not a psychologist or a
marriage therapist. I am, though, a
communications coach and it was alarmingly evident that Simon & Jacqui had
not had the hard conversations that were needed before getting married.
Jacqui presented herself as a
martyr for their love. Generous? Yes and also drastic as she sacrificed
without any planning for her own future.
Simon wasn’t able to tell me what Jacqui’s dreams were because they
hadn’t talked about her dreams.
That Jacqui felt entitled to a
fancy wedding because she sacrificed for him, puts an odd spin on their
wedding. A wedding is a couple’s
celebration and not the bride’s coronation!
Planning a wedding with a
tit-for-tat mentality is simply not healthy as it’s petty and rife with
opportunities for passive-aggressive acts.
I declined to officiate their
wedding because I didn’t understand the vision they had for their life
together. It seemed more a transaction
than a sacred commitment (sacred in the sense that when two people give their
word to each other, that act is bigger than just the two of them).
So, what is your vision for your
great day? For your life together? If you don’t have a shared vision, then what
do you have?!
