In her book, FOR BETTER, Tara Parker-Pope, blogger for The New York Times Well
Section, offers what I think is a critical insight into successful arguing.
She writes that marriage studies
show that one of the main differences between a good fight and a bad fight is
whether it begins with a complaint or a criticism. For example, "I wish you went with me to see more
vendors" (complaint) versus "You
never show any interest in planning this wedding. What's wrong with you?"
(criticism).
The difference between a complaint
and a criticism is often subtle, but the results are dramatic.
Criticizing and attacking your
partner will only make them defensive.
In turn, they’ll either shut-down or lash out.
A complaint lets your partner know
how you feel as a result of the upsetting or disappointing behavior.
Of course, since 80% of what we pay
attention to is the non-verbal (tone of voice and facial expression) and only
20% of what we pay attention to is the verbal, you want to make sure that
you’re not yelling or using the tone of voice you’d take with a disobedient
child!
Think back on your last argument––did it begin with one of you
criticizing the other? Were you upset
more with what your partner said or with how he or she said it?
