The Tyranny Of “Should”

true story (names changed)

It was an outdoor wedding. Argentina and Marco (30’s) had been together for more than five years and were great partners. Towards the end of their ceremony I zapped them with a blessing and was on the verge of pronouncing them husband and wife when, suddenly, Argentina’s mother stood up and walked towards me.

I was puzzled, but then remembered that she was a widow. Maybe she wanted to thank folks for coming. Maybe she was supposed to read a poem and the couple forgot to tell me.

I walked over to her and in a voice only I could hear, she said these immortal words: “Do not pronounce them husband and wife, I have reservations.”

I was beyond stunned. I thought, sweetheart, do you really think I’m going to hand over my mic so we can enjoy a Jerry Springer moment?

I smiled and said to her: “The only reservation you better have is for dinner.” Hey, I grew up in the Bronx!

Argentina’s mother didn’t move; it now was her turn to be stunned. I raced back to the couple and pronounced them husband & wife. In fact, I’ve never pronounced a couple husband & wife as quickly as that couple.

As soon as the ceremony was over, I was swarmed by the photographer, videographer, musicians, and on site coordinator. No one could believe what had happened. I was their hero.

But I was concerned about Argentina. I quickly found her and as I gave her a big hug, she told me something I think of every time I meet with a couple. She said: “I guess I forgot to tell you about my mother.”

Everyone knew that momma was “nuts.” Everyone knew that momma was not happy with the marriage. And everyone told Argentina not to invite momma. And Argentina?

She knew her mother was trouble, but, out of guilt, she felt she “should” invite her. After all, she was her mother. And so she invited her, knowing that her mother may very well attempt to disrupt the joy of her day.

Throughout the morning and leading up to the ceremony, Argentina was on the proverbial pins-n-needles. Throughout the ceremony many of her guests were apprehensive. All because of a woman, her mother, who held the day hostage.

Argentina and Marco got into many arguments over her mother. And, yes, I do think I detected an “I told you so” smirk in Marco’s eyes!

Here is the second crazy-making lie that couples play in their heads:

there are things they should do in their wedding because that’s how things should be.

Don’t plan your wedding out of a sense of should. Plan it out of a sense of what you and your partner want to do. Be guided by what reflects you as a couple.

Sanity Saver Questions:

• Are there any decisions you’ve made out of guilt rather than desire?

• Are you and your partner ready to live with the outcomes of those decisions?

• What is the worst thing that could happen if you refused to be influenced by “guilt”?

Remember: no one—no friend, no family member—has the right to take your day hostage by selfish whims and desires.