I recently met with a couple to
finalize their ceremony. When I asked
how they were, Leslie sighed, “we were so
much happier when we first me. I didn’t
know people had an emotional involvement with food.”
I explained to Leslie and Marcus
(groom) that people normally don’t have an emotional involvement with
food. However, family and friends
develop emotional involvements with all sorts of odd things soon after a couple
announces they’re getting married!
Parents can often make demands that
are not just unreasonable, but are disconcertingly odd. A bride told me that her father threatened
not to walk her down the aisle because she’s not having a Catholic wedding. What
makes it odd is that her father has been divorced three times!
Then there’s the politics of the
guest list. There are people who want to
bring children, even though they know it’s an “adult only” wedding; people who
want to bring a date or their mother, even though they know the list is
limited; and then there are parents who want to invite business associates whom
you haven’t seen since you were in diapers.
While I’d need a book to explain how
you can deal tactfully with such people and situations, for now, here’s a trick
taken from the Apple Store.
Apple employees are instructed to
avoid using the phrase, “unfortunately,
we don’t have” or “I can’t,”
etc. Instead, they’re told to use the phrase,
“as
it turns out. . .” So, instead
of saying, “unfortunately, we can’t fix
your laptop today,” they’ll say, “as
it turns out, we can get your laptop back to you on Friday.”
While this is a subtle turn of
phrase, I think it’s effective because it blunts the impact of a “no” or its
equivalent.
When you have to tell someone “no”
and inform them that you’re going a different route, try saying, “I appreciate your suggestion; as it turns
out, Brad and I have decided. . .”
If they push back (and most likely will), say something like, “yes, I
understand, and while I like your idea, as it turns out Brad and I have decided
to go a different route with this.”
Be firm. Tone of voice and facial expression must both
match. Presume the best of people. Don’t get into a heated argument, as you
won’t win.
Remember, you owe no one an apology for doing your wedding your
way. Nor do you owe people a PowerPoint
explanation for why you want to do things your way!
