Be forewarned that this is not one of my romantically
inspiring postings!
I recently met with a couple who is having a cross-cultural,
inter-faith ceremony. I was impressed by
how articulate they were in sharing their dream for the ceremony and
celebration. They readily admitted that
they’ve done a lot of talking and have had some hard conversations.
After they left, I flashed on a former bride of mine
who I ran into last month. Anna (yes,
name changed!) was strolling her six-month old daughter. Sadly, she told me that she and Jeff were
divorcing after just a couple of years being married. Things had been rocky from the start as Jeff
didn’t like to talk about anything important.
And when they did have that rare talk, he’d end up screaming and
storming off.
Anna thought that having a baby would bring them
closer (no comment). The baby didn’t
since a baby doesn’t have that kind of power.
And besides, it wasn’t until the baby was born that Jeff told her he
didn’t want children!
So, here’s the thing. . .if you and your partner have
already established your relationship in the habits of solid conversation, then
that will go a long way to help you navigate the demands of your wedding planning. If, though, you’ve gotten into habits of not
talking, face-to-face without distractions, then you really are going to
experience stress.
Sometimes, a couple argues about decisions they have
to make, other times about things said and done that one of them is offended
by. Over time, the arguing takes on a
life of its own and all the couple really does is talk at each other.
How you communicate directly affects your
sanity—individually and as a couple. If
you’re caught up in an endless cycle of arguing, then the only way to break the
cycle is to talk about how you talk
to each other.
The cycle of arguing will only be broken if you take
each other’s hand, step out of the vicious circle, and take a look at why
you’re repeating the same conversation over and over and over, no matter what
the issue.
SANITY SAVER
Questions:
·
Is there a
conversation you know you should have and are afraid to have?
·
What are you afraid will
happen if you talk about the issue?
·
What are you afraid will
happen if you do not talk about the issue?
·
What would you like to see
happen differently?
Most people think the other person is to blame for the
problem. Drop the blame game. As the cliché goes, it takes two to tango.
If you want to see you and your partner talk in a
different way to each other, ask for your partner’s help. At a time when you’re not sniping at each
other, tell your partner that you want to discuss how the two of you handle
tough topics.
Try something like this:
Whenever we talk about
finances, it seems we end up arguing. I
get frustrated when you say ‘no’ to something I suggest and then you end the
conversation. Sure, I’d want you to say
‘yes’ and as much as I hate to admit it, I know that ‘yes’ can’t always be the
answer. It’s when you shut down, end the
conversation, and refuse to talk about the issue that I feel disrespected and
feel that you’re not treating me like a partner. I don’t know what’s going on inside that head
of yours. I want to discuss money in a
way where we don’t end up mad at each other.
Let’s figure out something new here.
As a couple, you’re going to break old dance steps
that don’t work for you when you say out loud—this isn’t working, so let’s do something different
I know that this does not come naturally. It takes practice. It demands that you together want to create a
more honest way of talking to each other.
Your attitude will determine everything. Lose the anger. Put aside the judgment. Accept that a tough conversation is a messy
give-n-take. That’s what dialogue is all
about.
I’m sure you can come up with a bunch of reasons for
why this will not work. But, hey, if the
way you’re communicating now is not working for you, why not try something new?
And if you’re afraid of what your partner’s reaction
might be, then I urge you to think about why you’re marrying someone you’re
afraid of!
