true story
Maureen’s (names changed) maid of honor, Denise, was driving down from San
Francisco to Hollywood for the weekend. They were going to work on wedding
stuff. Denise said she’d be there in time for dinner. 6:00pm—no maid of honor.
A couple of hours passed—no maid of honor and no phone call. By 11:00pm Maureen
was panicked as she hadn’t been able to get hold of Denise. At 11:30pm Denise
breezed in, much to Maureen’s relief. But when Maureen asked what had happened,
Denise lamely said that she’d gotten a “late” start. She went on to say that
her phone battery died. Maureen was dumfounded that Denise hadn’t given any
thought to how worried she’d be.
Maureen admitted that she yelled at
Denise, demanding to know what was wrong with her that she couldn’t have
stopped to call. And, of course, Denise grew annoyed with Maureen for “making a
big deal out of nothing.” Maureen shot back that she now wondered why she’d
asked her to be her maid of honor! Denise wasn’t going to have any of that and
hit back with the zinger, “I’ve got more on my mind than just your wedding.”
There were more nasty words and
then silence. Come morning, both women apologized and then spent the rest of
the weekend trying to repair the damage.
Emotions—ugh! Buttons are pressed
so quickly. Words spit themselves out so easily. And the tone of it all is so
often biting, sarcastic, condescending. And that’s when you’re not planning a
wedding!
Here’s the reality: feelings get jumbled-up very easily.
Often times while we feel one
strong emotion, there’s another, secondary emotion(s), lurking around. At times
it’s difficult for us to figure out how best to express what we’re feeling. And
so we end up expressing what is the strongest of the feelings. Although Maureen
was relieved Denise was safe, her annoyance was the stronger feeling and that’s
what came out in her tone and words. Then the conversation quickly took on a
life of its own that wasn’t pretty.
Unfortunately, we seldom reveal the
complexity of what we’re feeling. During planning, your emotions will get
jumbled and will be hard to sort out. The “trick” is to recognize what you’re
feeling and make that mindful effort to explain to your partner, friend, parent
or vendor what’s going on inside your head and heart.
And, yes, that requires trust and
honesty. Do you and your partner have that “dance step” in place?
Sanity Saver Questions:
• In the past week, has you’re
partner asked how you’re feeling?
• Have you been able to give your
partner some insight into what you’re feeling?
• In the past week have you been
able to tune in to your partner’s feelings?
Remember: It’s fine to feel what you feel, but you have to let your
partner (or whomever) understand the complexity of what you’re feeling.
Otherwise, you’ll just come off as some crazy person to be avoided!
No comments:
Post a Comment