Continuing to look at conflict
styles, here’s some thoughts on the “delicious” ways of being
passive-aggressive!
Rhonda and Bill (names changed) were planning their
wedding without the help of a coordinator. Although Rhonda’s job required her
to travel several weeks a month, she felt up to the task of having a DIY
wedding. Bill worked local and said he was willing to do whatever she wanted,
though he thought she was obsessive with her detailed lists. He never actually completed
a list, shrugging it off saying, “It’ll all be fine.”
I had a final meeting with them a
little more than a month before the wedding. Rhonda looked stressed and
exhausted, while Bill seemed uncomfortable. Rhonda was going to be out of town
for the next week and a half and pleaded with me, “How do I get him to do
what’s on the lists? If he doesn’t do
this stuff it isn’t going to get done?”
Bill promised he’d get everything
done. “Why should I believe you?” she snapped. “You say you’re going to get it
done and you never do. Do you even want to get married?”
Bill finally shot back, “Maybe if
you didn’t treat me like an idiot, I’d pay more attention to what you want me
to do!” He turned to me and in a mixture of sarcasm and resignation said, “If I
didn’t tune her out, I’d lose my mind.”
Bill was classic passive-aggressive
in that he had strong feelings of resentment and anger and was unwilling to
express those feelings in an honest way. He felt put upon by Rhonda and instead of
having an honest conversation with her, he’d simply “forget” to do things. Any
time Rhonda panicked, he’d accuse her of not trusting him and getting upset
over “nothing.”
You choose to be passive-aggressive
when you decide that your partner needs to be punished for hurting you and part
of the punishment is that they’re not going to know you’re punishing them!
Two other classic
passive-aggressive techniques are giving the “silent treatment” and
withholding. In the “silent treatment”
you stop talking to the person and then, when some time has passed and your
partner asks, “Is anything wrong?” you look surprised and say, “No. Why would
you think that?” In the withholding
technique, your partner wants something and you deny it to them. She wants you
to go somewhere and you say you’re tired. Here’s where the all time classic
line comes into play: “No, not tonight. I have a headache”!
Is being passive-aggressive your preferred style for dealing with
conflict? Do you like seeing what it
does to your partner? If so, why do enjoy punishing the person?!
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