What Kristin and Meredith Learned About Marriage From Their Parents!

At the beginning of 2014 I hit on what I thought was a great idea for this blog.  I reached out to half-a-dozen close friends whose weddings I officiated and who’ve been married for ten or more years.  I asked each couple to write a guest post – offering advice to those of you who are now in the throes of prepping for your wedding.

Everyone loved the idea and assured me that they’d “get back” in a few short weeks.  Well, as time passed, all of my friends confessed that they didn’t know what to write!  “This is hard!” was the general chorus.

Then I hit on the idea of turning to Meredith and Kristin, daughters of my friends Ray & Stephanie.  

I asked Kristin and Meredith to write a guest post in which they reflect on what they’ve learned about marriage from their parents. 

So here are the. . .

Top 12 Truths Of Marriage Meredith and Kristin Learned 

From Their Parents, Stephanie & Ray

1.     Not saying anything is often the best route to take. 

Silence can sometimes be more powerful than words. In a situation where your spouse is in a huff over something, or deeply offended, and just needs to speak their mind, listening is often the BEST move to make. You don’t always need to add your opinion, just listen to them.

2.     It’s important to show your love. 

Regardless of the anniversary, little surprises help to show you care more than a set date.   My parents give each other cards on random occasions. If they find a funny picture of a crab, they might give it to the other “just because”. Who doesn’t love talking crabs?

3.     Taking time away from kids, friends, and work, to spend some alone time together never hurts.

Who doesn’t like mini-vacations?  This is essential because my sister and I….well we can be quite a handful bickering often, being loud and obnoxious – but, beside the point, you need to spend alone time to deepen your own relationship in addition to the family relationship.

4.     A marriage has to have respect for one another: each other’s goals, who you are as a person, and the wonderfulness you see in your partner.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I have never seen my parents disrespect each other because disrespect often times causes mistrust and insecurity, and no one wants that.  Respect in my family looks like: listening while the other is speaking, speaking words of encouragement when they are applying for a job, or redoing a resume, and most often: sitting through innumerous seasons of the bachelorette/ bachelor without mocking!

5.     Don’t go to bed angry.

Sometimes you just need to let things go. You are not going to agree with your partner 100% of the time, if you did then that would be extremely boring and uneventful!  But seriously, it’s only natural to have differing opinions on a few things. Talk through what is bothering you and then come to a compromise or leave it be until you both are more rested and less irrational.  These are ways that I have seen my parents live this cliché.

6.     Always say I love you. But you have to mean it because if you didn’t mean it, then you probably shouldn’t be married!

All the time my parents say, “I love you”, to me and my sister so as to remind us that they do (even though we already know).  It’s been a tradition in my family to always say it before going to sleep. It has become part of our routine and it’s important to me.  I have to say it otherwise I rest uneasy. It might sound silly, but it’s comforting and, in my opinion, it’s the most wonderful phrase you can be told.

7.     Life does not always go according to plan, but you have to roll with punches. 

We’ve moved about 3 times. The last time was due to unforeseen circumstances with relatives. However, no matter where we were, my parents made it clear that we did not need anything but each other. There was a point in which we were in between finding a home and a place to live, so I called us “homeless” because I’m dramatic, but also because that’s what I thought we were. I was wrong. My dad, my mom, my sister, and I were all together and that is my definition of “home”.

8.     Work together, not against each other.

As the saying goes, “it’s you and me against the world.” If conflicts arise, work together to find a solution instead of blaming each other for the problem. Working against each other will not get you anywhere, particularly if you need to get somewhere quickly!  I’ve seen my parents work this way so many times in my life, especially when it comes to big life decisions. When we decided to move abruptly when I was going into the 7th grade, they stood behind their decision, though it was very unpopular with my sister and me.

9.     With a relationship based on friendship, their first impulse is to support each other and the decisions they make as a couple as well as supporting the decisions, of us, their children.

Collaboration in marriage is essential. Could be the best project of your life!

Working patiently together, whether in a creative or problem-solving sense, will bring you closer together and help you produce something that is fulfilling for both of you. Whether this be in larger projects – like repainting every room of every house you’ve ever lived in or in smaller projects, like teaching your daughters how to correctly open and store wine—the positive and encouraging energy my parents bring to every situation shows how much they care, not only about each other but about those around them.

10.  Remember every day the things you love about your spouse, especially what initially drew you to him or her.

I love hearing my parents tell stories about their time in high school, when they met and about their friends who still surround them to this day.  My dad was in theatre, ran for student government and took German, while my mom was on drill team, waitressed at Marie Callendar’s, and was in a social action club that helped orphans in Tijuana.  They were friends and continued to be throughout their early adult life.  They both took different roads: my mom dated a lot of people and my dad entered the seminary to become a priest, but they both acknowledge that there was an attraction between the two of them from the beginning – one they then returned to later in life.

11.  Tell and share stories!

It’s a great way to allow the people around you be part of the story of your lives and your marriage. It also helps your children understand you more and see the journey you took to find your partner in life.  Hearing my parents’ favorite stories, of their proposal or of when my sister and I were very young, allow me to recall and retell favorite stories from my own life and of my family.  And even family folklore and history adds to my sense of belonging and identity.  Like when my dad used to tell us his ancestors were horse thieves in Germany and my mom used to say her side of the family was related to Lord Baltimore (as in Baltimore, Maryland)!

12.  Actions speak louder than words.

You can always tell how much my parents care about each other from their interactions. They share a great sense of humor about life. The way they look at each other and laugh, sometimes about what someone has said or done in our house, gives me a glimpse into the feelings they have had, and continue to have for each other for decades. Their day-to-day treatment of each other, and us kids, is filled with kindness, understanding and a dose of comedy, which I hope to have in my own relationships in the future.