One night, when I was a freshman in
college, I paid my grandmother a surprise visit. When I was leaving, she slipped a
twenty-dollar bill in my hand and gave me a tight hug and a big kiss. I squirmed.
I was eighteen and too old for all that mushy stuff (but I did
appreciate the money!). She squeezed
tighter and whispered, “You’ll never know
how much I love you.”
Now, all these years later, I’m a
wedding officiant and almost every weekend I stand before a couple and bear
witness to their vows. And each time, as
I look out on the gathering of family and friends, I realize that the couple
before me will probably never know just how much they are loved.
For me, a wedding ceremony is a
HUGE hug that family and friends offer to the couple. Yes, at its core, the ceremony honors and
celebrates the love and commitment of the couple. BUT, the ceremony is also that unique time to
celebrate all the loves that have helped to bring a couple to that moment in
time – parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends tried and true.
Couples come to me because they
want a ceremony that evades the clichés and that is personalized. More times than not, they’re uncertain as to what
kind of ceremony they can have if they have no religious backgrounds or if they
don’t want to incorporate the religious traditions of their families.
So, what can they do?
Here’s the thing – the true emotional impact of a ceremony is created
by the “visuals.” The truest way to
personalize your ceremony is to incorporate the people, the significant loves,
who are part of the fabric of your life together. This was brought home to me last month when I
officiated the wedding of Nikki and Mark.
Mark’s family is staunch mid-West
Catholic and Nikki’s is culturally Jewish.
They didn’t want a religious ceremony and, in fact, Nikki didn’t want
“God” mentioned. They did want a
ceremony that had a rich texture to it.
Here’s a snapshot of what we created:
Mark’s parents escorted him down
the aisle; Nikki’s parents escorted her.
They had one reading that was
offered by both fathers – and, yes, the dads failed to choke back tears!
After my words of good cheer and
encouragement (just prior to the exchange of vows), I invited both sets of parents
to come up and light the tapers on either side of the Unity Candle that was set
inside a protective hurricane lamp. The
lamp was on a festive table underneath a Chuppah (the Jewish side was happy to
see the Chuppah and the non-Jewish side thought it was a lovely decoration). After the parents lit the tapers, they all
hugged Nikki and Mark and returned to their seats. Then Mark and Nikki lit the Unity
Candle.
All of this was as a prelude – a
moment of blessing by the families – to the Exchange of Vows. In the light of that blessing, Nikki and Mark
exchanged their vows.
Mark and Nikki had written down in
booklets their own vows. I invited one
of Nikki’s grandfathers and one of Mark’s grandmothers to present the booklets
to them.
The rings were presented by two
other grandparents, each of whom has been married for sixty years to their
respective spouse, which means the rings were presented from a combined legacy
of one hundred and twenty years of married love!
After I pronounced them husband and
wife, Mark broke the glass (something he suggested).
While this might sound like a lot
of choreography, it actually wasn’t. The
entire ceremony, from the time I took my place until they kissed, was no more
than thirty minutes – and they had a combined total of sixteen attendants
(mixed sex on both sides)!
The ceremony was personal because
Mark and Nikki incorporated elements that made sense to who they are as a
couple and they decided to place the emphasis on family. It was warm and gracious as it honored the
sacredness of what they were doing, yet, was not “religious.”
Remember: people go to a ceremony hoping that it won’t be too long
or too boring. A personalized ceremony
allows people to feel rooted and renewed and refreshed. It’s all about providing people the
opportunity to give you that big, tight “hug” – and so bless, and confirm your
union!
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