photo: Dale Robinette/Lionsgate
A happy marriage is a long
conversation that always seems too short.
Andre Malroux
true story
One night I grabbed dinner at my
favorite local bistro. The staff knows me and brings me “the usual” without my
having to ask. I was lost in a book when I happened to glance up and look
across the room. Two tables lined the opposite wall.
At one sat a young couple in their
twenties – laughing, animated. And at the other table sat an elderly couple in
their seventies – talking, smiling. I thought—now here’s a snapshot of marriage – not so much “before” and
“after” as “early” and “later.” Except
for the wrinkles, little differentiated the older couple from the younger. Smiling,
talking, laughing.
The German philosopher Nietzsche
claimed that in its essence, marriage is one
long, grand conversation. The simple
truth is that a lifetime of hearty conversation is the surest sign of love.
I’ve officiated over one thousand
weddings and I’m now convinced that THE
question every couple needs to explore before sending out their invitations is
this – What does your wedding
celebration mean to you?
You need to be clear on your answer
at the beginning of your planning because in the hubbub of organizing for your
wedding day, it’s easy to lose sight of just what the day means to you and your
partner.
In the chaos of planning, you’ll be surprised at how
little time you have to talk to each other. So at the beginning of the process, before you dive in, talk about the
ceremony and your vows.
Go some place you both
enjoy.
Make a date with each other.
Turn off the cell
phones.
Talk.
Relax.
Laugh.
Remind yourselves why you’re
doing this craziness.
Laugh.
true story
Ashley and Dan invited me to have
pizza as we finalized the ceremony details. It was going to be ninety degrees
the afternoon of their outdoor ceremony and Dan reminded me he wanted it kept
barebones short. As he droned on, I noticed Ashley was quiet and no longer
smiling. Her family was Roman Catholic and not happy that she wasn’t getting
married in the Church. At our first meeting, she said she wanted a ceremony
that wasn’t rushed. As Dan dove into his pizza, Ashley took out some tissue. She
was clearly upset, so I asked her to tell Dan her concerns.
Caught off guard, he put his pizza
down and listened as she blurted out her fears that the ceremony was going to
be hurried and too short. He was surprised and admitted that although Ashley
had told him what she wanted the ceremony to be like, he’d forgotten what she’d
said. In the weeks leading up to this final meeting, he hadn’t really listened
to her.
As they continued to talk – and
listen – they were relieved to discover that they both wanted the same thing. Dan’s
idea of “short” was no more than twenty-five minutes. He didn’t want the full-blown
one-hour Catholic service. Ashley didn’t want that either. She wanted a twenty
to twenty-five minute ceremony, which she thought was just right and not short.
It’s been said that listening is the greatest act of love. If so, then the greatest thing you can do for each other is to listen to
each other.
Text messages. Emojis. Scribbled notes. We do business
and live our lives in a swirl of information. Yet, how often are we actually communicating, listening?
true story
I recently reunited with a couple
whose wedding I officiated fifteen years ago. They look older but their spirits
are as I remember them. Open, inquisitive, yet clearly defined in their ongoing
aspirations. Jack Daniels joined us at the table and story begat story. It was
a magical night.
As I was leaving, Frank suddenly
asked me: “Do you know why Renee and I
are still in love?” Various answers came to mind, but I simply said, “No, why are you still in love?” He
said: “We’re kind to each other.”
So simple.
He explained how they consciously
decided that they didn’t ever want to lose sight of being each other’s partner
and best friend – not punching bag or dumping ground for the day’s irritations.
Listening is the kindness act of all.
I know that you have a gazillion things to juggle, professionally
and personally. But, why go to the expense, time, and emotional investment of
your wedding if you aren’t going to be present to it – and to your partner – and
to your marriage?
There is no greater thing you can do for each other
than to listen. It is the ultimate sign of respect. And yet the #1 complaint I hear from couples is each accusing the other
of not listening.
Remember: You protect and keep each other safe when you talk
with each other. Really talk—silly to
serious. You can’t plan your ceremony, your wedding, or your life, without
talking. Real listening keeps you on the
same page and helps you to remember what’s important and why it’s
important.
A wedding vow,
in its essence, is a vow to listen to each other in mutual fidelity and
perseverance.
7 SANITY SAVER tips to help
you listen to yourself and to your partner:
1.
Get rid of all distractions. Yes, turn the TV off and agree
not to answer any phone call. You’ll have time for all those other things
later. Don’t ever multi-task when
talking about wedding “stuff” – particularly your vows!
2.
Listen openly to what your partner has to say without
becoming defensive, even if you don’t readily agree with what he or she is
saying.
3.
Let the other person complete their thought. Don’t interrupt
or finish each other’s sentences.
4.
Engage your partner in genuine conversation. Don’t deliver a
monologue or a scolding.
5.
Ask your partner to explain what he means, she means, if you
don’t understand his thinking or her take on things.
6.
Pay attention to the feelings that lurk underneath what your
partner is and is not expressing.
7.
Paraphrase back to your partner what they’ve said, so you
confirm that you do understand what they’re saying. Ask for clarification.
10 Questions You and Your Partner Need To Explore
Before You Lose Yourself On Pinterest!
1. Who are your role models for marriage?
Why are they models? How realistic a model are they?
2. When people speak of your
wedding, what 3 words do you want them to say? What 3 words do you not want
them to say?
3. Is your wedding day a beginning
or a touch point in your life together?
4. What was the most joyful wedding
you’ve attended? What do you want to be the most joyful moment of your wedding
day?
5. Is your partner your life OR does your partner give you life?
6. What makes your partner worthy of
your love? What makes you worthy of your partner’s love?
7. What are your expectations of
each other? Do your expectations make each of you the best you are capable of
being?
8. What is your biggest fear for
your life together?
9. What is your definition of success?
As an individual? As a couple?
10. On your 25th wedding
anniversary, what would you like to look back upon?
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