true story
Lyn and Danny (names changed) came to me for pre-marital counseling. Lyn was
uneasy—everything was fine, so what were they doing seeing me? I explained that
my approach is from a communications angle and I don’t have a structured
format.
Still uneasy, she said they didn’t
have any problems communicating, though at times she “might” be a bit too
passive in their arguments—especially when Danny’s his usual “pigheaded” self.
Danny readily admitted that he’s
competitive and enjoys arguing even when he knows he’s wrong—even with Lyn.
I asked Lyn if she enjoyed arguing
when he was in the “zone.” She said it didn’t matter because although she hates
it, she just shuts down and lets him have his way. At this point, Danny jumped in saying that he
hated when she shuts down. I asked if he heard why she shuts down. “Yes, but. .
.” and before he could finish, Lyn demanded, “Then why do you do it? You know I
don’t want to argue. I just want to get what I want,” she matter-of-factly
explained.
“There, that’s the kind of attitude
I don’t like,” said Danny. “She doesn’t take what I say seriously. I’ll explain
why we need to do something a certain way and she just ignores everything I
say.”
“Is that true?” I asked Lyn.
“I know what he’s going to say and
I don’t want to be told I can’t have something when I feel I should have it. He
doesn’t respect me when he doesn’t listen to why I want something.”
Exasperated, Danny tossed out, “She
doesn’t have reasons for anything. All she has are feelings.”
I want to point out that Danny and
Lyn were actually very polite in the way they spoke to each other—this was not
a shouting match.
However, by dint of personality and
profession (engineer) Danny values logic. Lyn, by dint of personality and
profession (sales), values feelings. He thinks logic is going to win the day
because that’s how logic is supposed to work. But, as soon as Lyn begins to
feel that he’s clobbering her with facts, she shuts down. “What’s the use? He’s
not interested in what I have to say” is her mantra. Then Danny becomes
frustrated when he sees her give up. He wants her to fight for her ideas. He’s
a competitor and that’s what competitors do!
They’ve created dance steps for
arguing. He lectures. She shuts down. He pushes harder. She digs in her heels
(very expensive ones). Then—silence. He’s frustrated and she plots to get what
she wants without his help.
I asked Danny if, when he’s in an
argument with Lyn, he notices that she’s becoming passive. He said he does.
“Then, why keep hammering her with the logic?” His response was so simple: “I
want her to see it my way.” The frustrating thing for him is that at no time
has she said, “You’re right—I wasn’t thinking straight.”
So why does he persist?
Embarrassed, he admitted, “It’s fun—frustrating, but fun!”
Lyn has just one goal when arguing
with Danny—“To get what I want. I’ll plead and then when I get frustrated, I’ll
just ask, ‘what do I have to do to get X?’”
When I asked her if she asks in a
tone of voice dripping with attitude she flashed a guilty smile. “Do you pout;
cross your arms, and make it sound like a demand if not an ultimatum?” She
looked shocked that I knew.
She tuned him out when he started
to lecture. He tuned her out when she started to pout. No one likes a
know-it-all and no one likes a whiner. And no one is going to put up with
either.
So, what to do? Well, it’s not
possible to magically change personality; nor is there any reason to do so.
However, choices can be made in how to communicate.
Lyn needs to understand that
“because it feels good” is not a reason that’s going to advance her cause. How
do you respond to a reason like that? And Danny needs to understand that people
don’t always make decisions based on what’s most logical.
He needs to help her explore her
feelings so as to help Lyn understand what she’s really thinking. And, she
needs to help Danny explore his thoughts so as to help him understand what he’s
feeling.
Because what we think influences
how we feel and how we feel influences what we think, Lyn needs to understand
the reasoning that’s generating her feelings and Danny needs to understand the
feelings generating his “logic.” Life is seldom lived at the extremes—it’s
lived in the messiness of the middle—and the middle is made up of both thoughts
and feelings.
When I told all this to Danny and
Lyn they each said, “What’s the point? We know how we’re going to react.” Like
Danny and Lyn, do you feel frustrated that your arguments are all Groundhog’s
Day—a droning repetition of clichés that ultimately don’t get you what you need
and want?
Well the truth is you won’t know
what the other person is going to say if you talk with them in a way that is
different from the old dance steps. New ways of dealing with conflict will
bring about new conversations.
SANITY SAVER Questions:
•
Are you satisfied with the way you and your partner deal with conflict?
•
What would you like to see each of you do differently?
•
What does a “good fight” look like to you?
Remember: You protect and keep each other sane when you give up the
need to win, give up shutting down, and when you resolve to help your partner
explain what he or she is feeling, thinking and needing—and when you work to
understand what you’re feeling, thinking, and needing.
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