Some more thoughts on how to speak
your mind – assertively. . .
Sure, yelling fells good.
Driving your partner nuts can be
delicious.
Not saying anything is comfortingly
easy.
BUT, eventually, each of these
tactics will leave you feeling more frustrated, more annoyed and more hopeless.
Why? Because your partner (or
friend, or relative, or vendor) still doesn’t know just what “your problem” is.
If anything, they’re just going to presume that the “problem” is of your own
making and has little, if anything, to do with them.
This is why as awkward and
uncomfortable and unnatural as it may be, you have a responsibility to help the
other person understand what it is you need from them.
This is why I’m encouraging you to
both think and speak assertively.
Speaking assertively requires that you do three things:
FIRST, let your partner know what particular situation you’re
reacting to. You need to be as objective as possible as you simply describe the
event or pattern you’re addressing.
THEN let your partner know how all this makes you feel; help your
partner try to understand why you’re bothered. Don’t accuse or blame. Take
responsibility for how you’re feeling (remember to speak using “I”) and take
the time to describe those feelings in a way that can make sense to your
partner.
LASTLY, let your partner know what you’d like from him or her—what
you need, why it’s a need, why it’s important to you and to the relationship.
Does this come naturally? No. Most
of us never had this way of dealing with conflict modeled for us. This is,
though, a proven way to improve your chances of getting heard and understood
when dealing with significant issues involving significant people in the
planning process. Why? Because your intent is not to humiliate.
Your goal is not to play the blame game or to guilt trip your partner.
Your goal is to get him or her to understand the unintended effect of their
actions so they can readjust their behavior.
If that sounds too clinical and too
theoretical, next posting I tell you how all this played out with a sweet
couple who is very much like so many of us!
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