In the January, 2014 issue of “PsychologyToday,” Hara Estroff Marano examines the interplay of love and power in a
relationship. I think it’s an insightful article and I highly recommend it.
But since you may not have time to
read the entire article, here is her list of the 10 needed elements in order to
have a truly “equal” relationship.
Take a look. . .how “equal” are you
and your partner?
The Elements of Equality
1.
Attention. Both partners are emotionally attuned
to and supportive of each other. They listen to each other. And both feel
invested in the relationship, responsible for attending to and maintaining the
relationship itself.
2.
Influence. Partners are responsive to each
other’s needs and each other’s bids for attention, conversation, and
connection. Each has the ability to engage and emotionally affect the other.
3.
Accommodation. Although life may present short
periods when one partner’s needs take precedence, it occurs by mutual
agreement; over the long haul, both partners influence the relationship and
make decisions jointly.
4.
Respect. Each partner has positive regard for
the humanity of the other and sees the other as admirable, worthy of kindness
in a considerate and collaborative relationship.
5.
Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self,
capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or
her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values.
6.
Status. Both partners enjoy the same freedom to
directly define and assert what is important and to put forth what is the
agenda of the relationship. Both feel entitled to have and express their needs
and goals and bring their full self into the relationship.
7.
Vulnerability. Each partner is willing to admit
weakness, uncertainty, and mistakes.
8.
Fairness. In perception—determined by
flexibility and responsiveness—and behavior, both partners feel that chores and
responsibilities are divided in ways that support individual and collective
well-being.
9.
Repair. Conflicts may occur and negativity may
escalate quickly, but partners make deliberate efforts to de-escalate such
discussions and calm each other down by taking time-outs and apologizing for
harshness. They follow up by replacing defensiveness with listening to the
other’s position.
10.
Well-being. Both partners foster the well-being
of the other physically, emotionally, and financially.
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