When I meet with a couple to
discuss their ceremony I ask a lot of questions – not because I’m nosey, rather
because I want to get as a full a sense of who they are as possible.
One of the questions I ask is:
“Your parents: alive, deceased; together, not together; talking, not talking;
or any combination thereof?!”
Occasionally, a couple will say that both sets of parents are together
and equally happy for them. More often,
though, I get answers that are complicated for any number of reasons!
Earlier this year I met with a
bride, Ellie (names changed), whose
father had refused to give his “blessing” to her and her fiancé Finn. For five years he held back. Finally and somewhat begrudgingly he gave his
approval. He reached this place because
both Ellie and Finn, were patient and, in my opinion, generous in their
consideration of his feelings.
Ellie shared with me a letter she
had written her dad. It was over six
pages, single-spaced and I, who seldom cry, was misty-eyed by the end.
If you’re reading this post and are
a bride or groom, I know that you have your own story with your parents. I want, though, to share a very edited
selection from Ellie’s letter.
Why?
Well, one of my favorite quotes is
from the great (and infamous) Irish writer, Oscar Wilde. He said, “Never
love anyone who treats you as ordinary.”
I love that notion of not giving
your love to someone who thinks you’re merely ordinary. The selection below (details have been altered to protect privacy) moved me because
clearly Ellie and Finn do not treat each other as ordinary. . .
Dear Dad,
. . .Finn is my best friend. He
works 30-hour shifts with the pager going off constantly, trauma patients
coming in, the doctors asking for help, the nurses calling for orders, the
patients and families wanting someone to talk to – it’s chaotic. And after all
that he goes home exhausted and he still finds it in himself to call me, talk
to me like I’m a human being, ask me how my day was. He listens to me complain
about school and how I’m exhausted and he helps me through it. He never gets
angry at me, he never gets impatient, never tells me that my problems are
insignificant compared to his. . .
Since I’ve met him he has never once raised his voice at me, never
disrespected me, never made me feel inferior and even in the most stressful
times in his own life he’s never taken his emotions out on me. He understands
me, appreciates me, takes care of me and always knows exactly what I want. He
makes me smile when I need to, lets me whine when I want to and is always there
for me through everything. . .
The only thing that makes this picture incomplete is the fact that you decided
long ago that you dislike him. . .You think he’s unreliable but what you
haven’t seen is how he always keeps his word and follows through with the
things he says. You think that he can’t stay faithful but I’ve never met a more
faithful person to his friends, his family, his colleagues and to me. . .
I know you liked Brandon (name changed) and you miss him but that
wasn’t a relationship I could have stayed in. When he got grumpy he was
unpleasant, after 10 hours at work he would be snappy, if he was unhappy about
one thing he was unhappy about everything, including me. . .I always doubted
myself, always figured I was doing something wrong, I always wanted to know
what I could fix or do better. I thought that the cost of knowing what he was
thinking was having to deal with his raw emotions.
Little did I know that there could be someone who would tell me
everything they were feeling but at the same time realize that I wasn’t the
source of his negative emotions, I was the cure for them and there was no need
to take his anger out on me.
I know the type of person that you are trying to protect me from; but
time and time again Finn has shown me that he is not that type of person. . .I
don’t want to lose my family over this. . .I’d like to be able to have a calm
conversation with you about this without any yelling or arguing. . .
Love,
Ellie
A moving letter, yes?
If you’ve been to a lot of
weddings, chances are you’ve heard read the classic excerpt from St. Paul’s
letter to the Corinthians, “Love is patient, love is kind.” It’s a powerful reading, but because it has
been heard so many times at weddings, it’s lost it’s force.
Here’s a modern translation of
Paul’s letter. What strikes me is how
similar Paul’s words on love are to the words Ellie uses to describe the love
she shares with Finn.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies: trust steadily, hope
unswervingly, love extravagantly.
And the best of the three is love.
My hope is that your wedding
celebrates a love that truly is extraordinary.
My hope is that your love for each other will always be
extraordinary!
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