I want to be your friend
forever and ever.
When the hills are all flat
and the rivers are all dry.
When the trees blossom in winter
and the snow falls in summer.
When the heaven and earth mix—not till then will I part from you.
The Yueh-Fu
true story
Ben (names changed) called me the day before his wedding in a panic: “how do I write my vows?” I was surprised because Ben had struck me as
an organized guy. Besides, he’s a
violinist and often plays at weddings, so he’s heard many, many vows. In that moment, though, he sounded like a
drowning man!
I told him to just speak from his
heart, but this only confused him more, “how
do I do that? What else should I do?” “Nothing,”
I told him, “just speak from your heart.” I reminded him that a vow is not a
pre-nup. It’s a pledge of the heart and,
as such, is not a detailed listing of everything that he’s going to do and not
do in his marriage. His vow is but an echo of what is deep within his heart.
Ben and his fiancée, Marissa, had
been high school sweethearts and dated throughout college. She, too, was a musician. At their ceremony, Ben made his vow first (as
is tradition). Marissa’s eyes were
glistening as he spoke movingly “from his heart.” When Marissa went to speak, she was so
overwhelmed with the intensity of the moment that she reached out for my
hand. I thought she was just giving my
hand a squeeze so as to steady her nerves.
But, she held my hand tightly throughout her vows––and they were not
short!
I’ll always remember that moment,
not just because it was the first and only time that a bride held my hand while
offering her vows. And not just because
I felt self-conscious; but, rather, because it was achingly tender.
Over the last twenty years, I’ve officiated
many ceremonies and so I can forget just how difficult it is to find the words
to let someone you love know that there are no words to describe your love.
Ben was not the last groom to call
me sounding desperate. There have been
many grooms, including Jason, a groom who had still not written his vows by the
time he arrived at the ceremony site. I
calmed him down by reminding him that his fiancée would kill him if he didn’t
have thoughtful words to offer her! We
found a quiet place away from his groomsmen.
I scrounged around for some paper on which he could write his vows and
then left him by himself. Well, Jason
thought he’d be debonair and write his vows on his tux jacket’s
pocket-handkerchief. Only problem, he
started to sweat during the ceremony and he wiped his forehead with the
handkerchief and, yes, wiped away his vows!
And while Marissa is still the only
bride to hold my hand, she’s not the last bride to cry while saying her
vows. There have been many, including
Cheryl who sobbed so hard that she couldn’t get through her vows. I patiently waited, but when she seemed
unable to say anything more, I gently moved on to the exchange of rings. After the ceremony, annoyed with me, she
wanted to know why I hadn’t done something to calm her down. Short of throwing a glass of cold water in
her face, I didn’t know what I could have done.
Ben and Marissa did have an
advantage of sorts in writing their vows. Since they’d heard scores of couples
exchange vows, at the very least, they knew what not to write. However, if they
were unsure of how to write their vows, then how much more so are couples that
aren’t as familiar with weddings?
I don’t think anyone can “teach”
someone how to compose a vow. A toast or
a speech? Sure. A vow, though, is such an intimate expression
of devotion that it defies instruction.
I still believe that writing your
vows is as simple as “speaking from your heart.”
Writing your vows is an opportunity
to:
·
slow down
·
create time to retreat into your heart
·
consider why you’re promising what you’re
promising to whom you’re promising in this crazy world of ours.
In terms of the practical side of
writing your vows, I urge you to NOT:
·
worry about the word count
·
worry about how long it will take to say the
vows
·
worry if they’re corny or cheesy (they’re not –
I’ve never heard vows that made me roll my eyes!)
·
compare / share your vows with each other ahead
of time
In terms of giving structure, order
and flow to your vows, what I’ve noticed works most elegantly is. . .
·
Begin with a memory, an anecdote, a story of a
moment in time when you suddenly realized that your partner was “the one.”
·
Grounded in and flowing from that memory, tell
your partner what you appreciate about them, what you treasure and value about
them.
·
Grateful for the memories and gifts, state what
you vow to do and be for your partner.
·
And somewhere in the midst of all this, be sure
to say, “I take you as my husband / wife” because that little phrase turns your
words of love into a vow.
It really is that simple!
I’m always honored when a couple
invites me to bear witness as they give their word to each other—as they enter
into the mystery of life and love. It is
such an intimate moment. I’m in awe of
the generosity and courage, the hope and faith people show in that moment of
giving––of giving their word, which is their life to each other.
And so I salute you and cheer you on!!
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