Are You "Cute" or Are You "Ugly" ?!

photo: fergusonweddings.com

true story

Years ago, when Meredith, one of my goddaughters, was just four years old, I playfully asked her if she was “cute” or if she was “ugly.”  She proudly told me that she was cute.  I then asked her if she was “cute” or if she was “very cute.”  Even more emphatically she told me that she was “very cute.”  And then I asked her how she knew that she was very cute.  Looking at me as though I had just asked the stupidest question she’d ever heard, she said, “my momma told me!”

The one aspect of relationships that we often overlook is this: the words we offer to each other are some of the most precious gifts we can give.  Over time we become the words we receive and give.  

Remember when you and your partner first started dating—how awkward it was in those early weeks when you weren’t sure how to introduce him or her?  “This is my___?”  To have said, “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” after just a month or two of dating would have seemed a bit too much.  Do you recall, though, the first time you referred to him as your “boyfriend” or you referred to her as your “girlfriend?”  Didn’t something happen in the way you saw each other?  And again, when you were able to introduce each other as “fiancé?”

SANITY SAVER activity:

I’d like you and your partner to take a few minutes, apart from each other, and jot down a list of all the words that describe who you are individually (not who the other person is): physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  Don’t censure yourself.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the exceptional.   Time yourself for just ninety seconds.

When you’re done, look over the list and consider:

·      How do these words make you feel?

·      How do you know that these words are accurate?

·      How deep down fair are your words?

·      Are there words you didn’t put down?  Why?

Now I’d like you and your partner to swap lists and review.  What is your reaction as you read over your partner’s words?  What surprised you?  Is there any word on your partner’s list you think should not be there?  Any word that should be there and they haven’t written it down?  How many of these words do you say to or about each other?   Do your words build each other up or tear each other down?

Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true.

Brian Tracy

Living In the Light Of Your Partner

photo: joehendricks.com

The Sunday edition of The New York Times is known for many wonderful sections, including its Weddings section.  Each week they profile a couple with a unique or whimsical angle to their story.

This item is one that I was utterly charmed by. . .the last sentence is what got me. . .and I think it will get you. . .!

The New York Times

July 13, 2003

Cheryl Kleinman and Frank Palombo

By LOIS SMITH BRADY

Featured in Vows, July 25, 1993

Before Cheryl Kleinman married Frank Palombo 10 years ago, she was a wedding-cake maker living in Greenwich Village with her beloved cat, Betty. She was single, footloose and artsy. He was a practical divorced electrician with two young daughters. She had grown up in a small Jewish family in New Jersey, while he belonged to a large Roman Catholic Italian clan on Staten Island.

On their 10th anniversary this week, she expects that he will give her something like a power saw or glue gun. For her birthdays, he has built her a screened-in back porch and a marble fireplace.

Ms. Kleinman said, "There were times when I thought: `what was I thinking? I should have married a nice Jewish boy who knows I want diamonds for every birthday.'" She then added: "But I'm really glad we're so different. I don't know how to screw in a light bulb. Without him, I'd be living in the dark."

Why Does Your Partner Love You?

photo: vitalimage.com/rich

true story

Maura (names changed) shared with me that she loves her fiancé, Micah, not because he “is” her life, but rather because he “gives” her life.  He gives her the courage to embrace her self—her life—and invites her to dare and create a life with him.

In the early days of dating Maura wondered why Micah wanted to be with her.  A year ago, when he proposed, she quickly said “yes,” and then more intently began to wonder why he would want to spend his life with her, of all people!

Maura told me that as she navigated through her self doubts, the great gift Micah gave her was to help her see that those doubts were just lies she told herself.  He helped her to see more clearly and freely the person she was in this moment in her life.  He helped her to envision who she wanted to become.

Micah couldn’t live life for her.  He could, though, help her embrace life with confidence—a confidence that comes from recognizing strengths and acknowledging weaknesses.

And in learning to see herself with new clarity, Maura has been able to see that she, too, gives Micah life—in ways that he had never experienced before.

SANITY SAVER questions:

·      What do you most like about yourself?

·      Which of your partner’s character strengths help you be a better person?

·      Which of your character strengths help your partner be a better person?

Please understand that I’m not asking you to consider what you’re going to do for your partner.  Rather, I’m asking you to consider what it is about you that you prize so much that you want to share it with your partner.  

Do these questions make you squirm?  Good! 

When confronted by questions like these, most of us do squirm.  Often times we feel uncomfortable reflecting upon and naming the good that we are BUT name it you must. 

The more you understand and appreciate what makes you unique and what you bring to your marriage, the more confidently will you say “I do.”

To love your partner and to respect and love your relationship,

you must know how to learn to honor yourself.