Last month at a networking event I met Courtney, an events manager at a major downtown LA venue. During our conversation, Courtney shared with me the extraordinary and near tragic story of her wedding.
Hers is a cautionary tale and I
suspect that it’s a story too many brides can relate to.
I’m grateful to Courtney for
letting me post her story and I admire both her courage and the courage of her
husband. . .
A Wedding Dream
Nightmare
Courtney Kanner
Fishman
I got married on August 18, 2013. A
couple of months leading up to our big day, I became obsessed with being a
“skinny” bride. I tried the best I could by working out six times a week and
keeping to a healthy diet but I couldn’t lose any weight. Although I’ve been
thin most of my life, I wasn’t going to settle for being 143 pounds and unable
to fit into my Size 2 wedding dress.
Then I hit on the seemingly perfect solution. Since I suffer from
migraines, I pleaded with my doctor to prescribe a migraine medicine that also
has a side effect – weight loss.
As I swallowed the first 25 mg
pill, I remember feeling excited that my world was about to change. It did, but not for the better.
The first signs of trouble started
when I began to feel numbness in my feet and hands. I could no longer taste the
carbonation in sodas and experienced hallucinations at a dinner with some
friends. Since all I cared about was the weight loss, I ignored these side
effects because I had lost ten pounds in just one month.
In the second month, the side
effects mounted. I had difficulty speaking and was constantly repeating myself
and unable to finish sentences.
As horrible as these side effects
were, I deluded myself into feeling that this was an acceptable price to pay.
In fact, I had my doctor up my dosage to 200 mg because I still had another
eight pounds to lose. I was determined
to make my fantasy a reality.
By my wedding day I had reached 128
pounds!
Although I had hit my goal weight
and looked beautiful, on the inside I was a mess. I was irritable and forced to
hide my inner turmoil with a smile.
During the ceremony, I stared into the eyes of my husband and felt like
a hollow shell. My body was foreign to me. I had to maintain this charade for
hours and barely kept it together. Only those who’ve known me for years could
see the distance in my eyes and sense that something wasn't right.
Later, what should have been a
night filled with passionate romance turned into a marathon of hysterical
crying. My husband and I didn’t know what to do. We thought it was the result
of the “routine” stress that some brides go through. What we didn't know was
that this breakdown was just the beginning.
A few days later we embarked on an
eleven-day honeymoon that began in Lake Como, Italy and was supposed to finish
in the Greek Islands.
We never made it to Greece.
I became so depressed and
disassociated from myself that I couldn’t even recognize my husband. I was
hallucinating, barraged with scary thoughts of self destruction. I told my
husband that I wanted to jump off a cliff and was consumed with suicidal
ideations. We flew home immediately but my nightmare only escalated.
At one point I was rushed to the
hospital because I didn’t even know who I was. I was convinced that either I had
had a stroke or was suffering from dementia. I said such hurtful things to my
husband that we were on the verge of separating.
It wasn’t until a friend asked, “Do you think the medicine you were taking
for your migraines/weight loss is causing all of this?” that I realized
there could be another explanation for why this was happening to me.
I was shocked to discover all the
horrible side effects that the drug I had taken could cause. I was angry with
myself and I resented my doctor who could have prevented this from happening.
But my anger was also mixed with relief – maybe there was hope.
I insisted that my doctor take me
off this “poison.” However, I couldn’t go “cold turkey” because of the risk of
an epileptic seizure; I had to slowly taper off the drug. I will never forget
the day after I swallowed the last pill. It really was like flicking on a light
switch in my mind – I was back! Finally,
once again, I was calm, happy and remembered all of the feelings I had for my
husband, family and friends. Now my tears were tears of joy.
The medication ruined a good part
of my wedding day, destroyed my honeymoon and almost led me to divorce in the
first month of my marriage. Even scarier, it almost took my life.
I’m sharing my story because I want to urge you not to fall for
society’s obsession with weight loss. Be kind to yourself. Never take a
medication without knowing its potential side effects. I wish I first had done
my research as I later discovered that hundreds of thousands of people who have
taken this medication have experienced similar, if not worse, side effects.
I wish I had been content being a little over
the weight I had deemed acceptable for my wedding day. I’m ashamed for what I
put my mind and my body, my husband, friends and family through. And for what? Some nice pictures where I look
thin?
Photographs will fade but don't let your love for “you” fade. I wish I
had valued myself enough to accept me for who I am.
Please don’t make the same mistake I did. In the end, the risks just
aren't worth it.
Born and raised in Los Angeles, Courtney Kanner
Fishman has been in the wedding industry for the last ten years. She began her
career as a wedding planner and now is an events manager for a major downtown
venue.
Courtney is the co-author of, The Daternet for Women and The Daternet for Men: The Sexy, Unbridled, Definitive Guide to InternetDating. She is proud to say that she met her husband online and encourages
others, if they haven’t already begun their quest with online dating to start
today.
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