Last month I learned that Jack and
Jill (yes, names changed!), a couple whose wedding I officiated two years ago,
recently split-up. I heard this from
their planner and have not spoken with them directly.
So, here’s the thing – I’m not able
to predict the future for any couple and I recognize that marriage is one of
the great acts (leaps) of faith known to us.
I’m enough of a realist to know that, sadly, not all of my couples will
remain married. But I have no way of
knowing who will “make it” and who will not.
Having said that, I was stunned
when I heard that Jack and Jill are divorcing.
If I had to place money on a sure bet couple, it would have been
them. The more I thought about them, the
more angry, yes, angry, I felt. “NO! You can’t divorce!” is what I wanted to
shout. And I know, really I do, that I
don’t have the right to say that.
Since then I’ve been mulling over
why some couples continue to create a vibrant, life-giving life and others
don’t. I’ve been reflecting on the
marriages of some of my friends. I’m a
“lucky” guy in that some of the most wonderful people on the face of the earth
are my friends. And some of them have
been married for decades. What’s their
“secret”?
I contacted a handful of these
trusty friend couples and invited them to offer reflections on their own
marriage. Lance and Anne were the first
to respond – and given that they recently had their third child, I’m in awe of
their time-management skills!
Lance wrote, Anne collaborated, and
I’m grateful, delighted and proud to share with you their heartening thoughts.
Enjoy!
~JP
FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE
By: Lance Hedges
The strength of your marriage is
directly proportionate to the quality of the person you marry.
Lacking in romance? Surely.
Subjective in tone and
application? Certainly.
The absolute truth? Undoubtedly.
All marriages are based on the
making of a promise to stand by each other together, for the rest of each
other’s lives together. Unfortunately,
nature dictates that we do not fully grasp the enormity of this promise as the
vows are spoken.
The romantic and hopeful rush of
emotions that accompany the declaration of “I do”s are motivated by dreams far
richer than they are poor, much healthier than are sick, and full of times far
more good than bad. These sugarplum
visions are natural, normal and completely expected.
After all, getting married is
supposed to be the key that unlocks much of the Better life has in store for
us.
Better is all about fun and
family. It’s faith affirmed, fortune
found and long held daydreams come true.
Better is hopes realized and
prayers answered.
And it’s wonderful.
It’s also not alone.
So long as there are highs, so too
there will be lows. As long as there is
Better, so too there will be Worse.
At the very least, Worse is the bad
that comes with the good, something to grin and bear. And get through.
But it can also be awful.
Worse than awful.
Terrible.
It can be really sad, really scary
and really, really hard.
It can also hurt. A lot.
Worse sets in as terribly as it
wants, when it wants.
Getting through it requires
mustering and mastering those most difficult of graces- Patience. Trust.
Forgiveness.- and demonstrably doing your very best. A difficult enough
task in even the best of times.
And just as in the case of times
good, times bad shall eventually pass as well.
Hopefully, your marriage didn’t pass along with them.
Because just as you cannot know
from where and whence the storm will come, so to you cannot know how well your
marriage will weather it. All you can
know is that when it hits, and it will, you are both in it together.
How much you are there for each
other, how much you do for each other, how much better you make each other,
will reveal how good your marriage is.
How great your marriage is.
How strong your marriage is.
Or is not.
The nature of marriage being what
it is, you cannot do it alone. You must
count on the other absolutely.
Which means...marry the right person.
If you choose to get married, your
paths will join and your life’s adventures will entwine, forever. How will you know the person you are marrying
is the right one?
How can you know?
You can't.
It all comes down to faith. You have to believe in the person you want to
marry. And trust they similarly believe in
you.
Determining how well the following
list applies to you and the person you wish to marry could help provide the gut
check you need though.
You don't just acknowledge what
makes them special, you are in awe of what makes them great.
1.
You don't just accept their failings, you understand
them.
2.
You don't just wish to be with them forever, you
fear living life without them.
3.
You don't just share a faith, you believe in the
same most important things.
4.
You don't just have common goals, you share each
other's dreams.
5.
They don't just make you better. With them...you are at your very best.
My wife and I recently had an
opportunity to test the strength of our vows.
After an extended period of unemployment, the celebrations that marked
our successful passage through such trying times was surprisingly clouded by
the amount of comments received from people admitting they couldn’t believe we
made it through together. More
surprisingly was how often they admitted to doubting their own marriages would
have similarly survived. I was surprised
by their lack of confidence. Until I
realized they may have understood my First Law more than I realized. And had less faith in their partners than we
had in each other.
After all, there is no secret to
what allowed the two of us to succeed.
Patience. Trust. Forgiveness.
We leaned on our vows, and each
other.
After ten years of Better several
bouts with Worse, life together has never been better.
Because ten years ago, we married
the right people.
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