First, you and your partner need to be aware of what your old
habits are—and what kicks them into play. What are your default dance steps? Do
you argue, go into the bedroom, lock the door and hide under the covers? Do you
yell, “What’s the use?” and then give
your partner the silent treatment?
Once you’re aware of what’s going
on, you’ll be capable of changing the dance steps. You’ll stop channeling your
mother—or father—or some weird combination of each.
Second, you and your partner don’t have to shout or pout. 80% of
what we pay attention to is the non-verbal (tone of voice and facial expression)
and only 20% of what we pay attention to is the verbal. Therefore, don’t roll
your eyes. Don’t be sarcastic. Tone of voice is essential.
When your partner tries to provoke
you, just smile and ask, “Are you trying
to press my button?” Make it a sly question rather than an accusation.
Third, you and your partner must avoid accusing each other with the
word “you.” Every time you talk to a
person, saying “you never,” you always,”
you push them up against a wall and they can only become defensive. They
literally can’t listen to you.
Has anyone ever told you what is
wrong when you sarcastically asked, “Do you know what your problem is?”
The more you can speak from a place
of ‘I’ the more you can help state what you are feeling in a way that increases
the chance of being heard and understood.
Fourth, you and your partner need to lose the drama of the
ultimatum: “If you___, then I swear I
will____.” Remember that the only way an ultimatum ultimately works is if
you carry through on it. Are you prepared to carry out your ultimatum? If not,
then lose the melodrama. Besides, you know that your family and friends will
provide you with more than enough ultimatums.
Fifth, you and your partner should not be required to read each
other’s minds!
There is, though, a reason why most
people expect their partner to read their mind. Remember when you began dating
and the gift he gave you on that first gift-giving occasion? You smiled and
thought, “What was he thinking when he bought this?” As odd or as hideous as
the gift may have been, you were touched. After all, it is the thought that
counts.
Now, though, if he gave you
something that was just as odd and out of sync with your personality, the
“thought” would not count.
The irony is that the more we love
someone, the more we expect them to know, without our having to say a word,
what we want, need, feel. And so, we play games.
Yes, playing games is part of the
whole relationship “thing.” It’s easy for me to just tell you—stop playing the
games—however, I know it’s not that easy to do. Playing games is fun—in that
twisted relationship way. However, cut it out!
Sanity Saver Questions:
·
Which of the habits I mentioned are you most
“guilty” of?
·
What kind of satisfaction do you get when you
use one of these self-sabotaging techniques?
·
Are you willing to try something different?
Remember: one-by-one break these habits that lead to nowhere good and
you’ll significantly reduce stress—during planning as well as after planning
your wedding.
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