I met with
Annie and Brad four weeks before their wedding so as to finalize the ceremony. They were making jabbing comments at each
other and I was puzzled, as they seemed so mellow when I first met with them. It then came out that Danny was upset. Annie consistently “nagged” him for not being
more romantic. With exasperation he
asked, “What more does she want? I
hand-washed her car last weekend.” “Flowers,”
she said. “Why don’t you give me
flowers?”
Love is
patient, love is kind, but what is love without seeing? Weird things happen
when you’re planning for the wedding, such as putting expectations on your
partner that they’re unaware of. And
when they don’t act from those expectations, you can quickly become difficult. Of course, this true even when you’re not
planning a wedding!
Don’t saddle
your partner with unfair, love-testing expectations. Be kind.
Be realistic. Follow these four
common sense steps.
First, recognize
that your partner isn’t a mind reader!
Often I hear brides say, “If he really loved me, I wouldn’t always have
to tell him what I need.” Really? And
you are a mind reader?
Second, tell
your partner what you need from them; explain how they can help you make things
go more smoothly.
Third, be
honest with yourself—are your expectations fair and realistic? If your partner has an awkward, strained
relationship with your mother, it’s not fair to think that she’s going to invite
her to help her pick out the gown!
Fourth, if
your partner honestly thinks they cannot fulfill those expectations, don’t
condemn them. Explore why your partner
feels unappreciated and then how you can help each other be happier in the planning.
Trust me,
you’ll eliminate needless stress by not demanding that your partner act like someone
they neither cannot be nor want to be.
You are
marrying the person you’re excited to journey with through life. Believe that your partner’s intentions are
good. Pay attention to what they are
doing for you and for the two of you. If
you pay attention to each other first, then you’ll be able to see everything
else in its right perspective. And if
you don’t believe your partner’s intentions are good, then why are you marrying
him/her? What’s going on?
At least
once a week ask yourself these three questions so as to get a clearer
perception of your partner. What is
something that he/she has done for you in the past week––no matter how small,
no matter how easy? Were you able to
readily see the care behind it? What
were you focused on that made you miss the love? And then make sure to thank your partner!
